Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: We seem to not have quite enough chairs. So find a nice floor space guys. Been unlucky workshops where I have to set on the floor.
Okay, My name is Don, Paul's feeder and food addict.
Nancy and I will be co leading today. You'll notice I'm not at the podium because I can't stand at the podium. Walker is over there, but I'm on a stool. So in theory I'm high enough so that you can see me and that I can see you. Nancy will go up to the podium when when she shares, but I'll be sharing from here. So let's begin with the Serenity prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, the wisdom and those difference.
The topic of this workshop is 10, 11 and 12. My name is Don. As I said, I'm a compulsive leader in Food Alley. Nancy will be the co leader. Each of us will have up to 20 minutes to speak and then we'll open the room for chairs up to three minutes. And this session is being recorded of course, as are all the other sessions. So I'll begin. As I said, my name is Don from Paul Speeder, food addict from Connecticut. I came to the program 42 years ago, so makes me an official old timer, I guess. Maintaining a little under 200 pound weight loss now for about 40 years.
So OA totally saved my life.
I walked into my first meeting way back, so it was in North Carolina.
Grossly obese, suicidal and an atheist. Other than that, I had everything going for me thanks to the 12 step change and rebuild process. I am no longer any of those things. Maintaining a large weight loss, as I said, long abstinence. And I argue all the time with this thing called higher power and God. Guess who wins, right? Right.
It took me a long time to get through that atheist hurdle and into the agnostic world. And I don't know quite when it happened, but as that first sponsor said, just trust the process, Don, and keep going. Somebody in the previous workshop said a great line. It sounded like me, but I didn't do it quite this way. She said I got on my knees and prayed to God, God, I know you don't exist, but I'm going to do it anyway. That's about where I was for a lot of those years. So not an atheist anymore. As you will hear, recovery for me has been a personality rebuilding process. As we talked about in Appendix 2 of the of the Big Book, replacing the negatives with positives. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. A new way of eating, a new way of thinking, and a new way of believing. OA showed me how to get a second chance at life. I do a gratitude list every day as I'll share a little bit in a little bit on the 10th step, or on the 11th step, I should say. And the first thing that's on there or close to the first thing is second chance. That's what I got because I came here 30 days after standing on a bridge over the Hudson river in New York at 3am in the morning, ready to jump. Obviously, I did not jump or I would not be here. I walked into my first meeting 30 days later by accident, of course. Me and 10 women. I didn't know what the hell was going on.
I'm now in what I call phase three of my life, and challenges to my recovery are different than they were, let's say 10 years ago, 20 years ago. Certainly these last few years have been all about working my program harder than ever in order to hold on to recovery while dealing with this unfixable chronic pain and disability that I now have primarily as a result of failed back surgery. So I have lots of problems and I refuse to take the opioids. So OA is my opioid. That keeps me going. And that is not a joke. It's absolutely true. This is what keeps me going.
Food obsession was lifted for me long ago, but the disease is, of course, still there.
You know, we never graduated. Yes.
[00:04:31] Speaker B: All right.
[00:04:32] Speaker A: Closer.
[00:04:33] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:04:35] Speaker A: Okay, good. The food disease is always there, waiting for me to get stupid, not doing the things that I need to do every day. Every day, every day. And that's what this workshop is about. 10, 11, and 12. I get the strength to not do those stupid things by living the program. So holding on to recovery is about the never ending daily discipline of 10, 11 and 12. So step 10, I'm not going to say the steps. I know you. I'm going to save time. I'm not saying them. I know you know what the step is. So step 10 for me is a daily inventory of how I'm living my new way of life. How I'm living my new way of life. My tent is based on the action plans coming for me out of 6 and 7 to change my thinking. That led me to use the food for comfort and escape. Right. Food was a symptom, but of my other problems, and four and five, I identified the problem. Six and seven, I identified the solution and I began practicing those solutions. That's what it was about for me changing with higher powers help. Such things as self pity and blaming into taking responsibility for myself, or changing judging and criticizing into acceptance, or changing fear and anxiety into faith and trust. So as I said, I identified the flaws in 4 and 5 and began fixing them in 6 and 7. I didn't really believe so much in the God then, but I did it anyway. I asked God to help me, give me the strength to practice in these solutions. Okay. By the way, I always focus on the positives in my 10th step, not the negatives. Yes, there is that big book statement or suggestion. But always look for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. That's always in there. 27, 24 7.
But mostly I do positive 10 steps. I have some very brief 10 steps and I have a lot of long 10 steps. My briefest 10 step might be something like asking myself, how was it living with me yesterday? Or how was it working with me yesterday? I do my 10 in the morning, not tonight. And so I'm reviewing the previous day.
As I said, I have a lot of different formats. For example, the slogans can be something for me, like one day at a time. Am I living in today? Or am I wasting energy regretting the past or worrying about the future? And that's a big one for me these days, worrying about the future because my disability is not going better, it's just slowly progressing. My most important inventory though focuses on personality transformation. This is my recovery in this program.
You know, learning and living new ways is not an overnight matter. God didn't touch me on the forehead and change me into a totally different personality. I had to learn the new behaviors with God's help and practice, practice, practice, practice. If you look at 6 and look at 7, I think in the 0812 you'll see the word practice used six times. Practice these new behaviors. So the more structured plan that I use headstep goes like this. How am I doing? Taking responsibility rather than blaming. How am I doing? Living in acceptance rather than anger and resentment. How am I doing? Living in faith and trust rather than fear and anxiety. How am I doing? Feeling God's presence rather than feeling alone? How am I doing? Living in surrender rather than trying to control the uncontrollable? Am I doing living in gratitude rather than self pity? And it goes on. And this is list of 17 items in here. I won't read them all. Being authentic rather than phony. Living in the present rather than the past or the future.
Living in patience rather than impatience. And maybe the most Important one is looking to how am I doing? Looking to give rather than to get. That's the major transformation, perhaps in my personality. I came into the program looking to give. I mean to give, right? How can I get my way, et cetera, et cetera. And ultimately the program is about the exact opposite. How can I be useful? That's my shortest prayer. God, show me today how to be the most useful.
Those things when I get to. When I get to practice these principles in the twelveth step. Because it's some of the same stuff in step 11. My shorthand way of looking at step 11 is find God, listen to what he would have me do. And do doesn't say sit down and tell God what you want. It says pray for knowledge of God's will for you. So I look at all aspects of my life, every part of my life, my marriage, OA, my kids, my grandkids, etc. Etc. What would God's will for me be in each of these situations?
So I have a lengthy 11 step I do every morning. Pretty structured, takes me about 45 minutes. You know, I'm retired, so I have the luxury of this. You know, if you're getting up at 5am to get your kids off to school and then get to work yourself about 6:30, you might not have the time to do this. But I'm going to run through very quickly what I do every morning. Opening prayer. Good morning God. Thank. By the way, this is after a cup of coffee.
I'm not addicted to coffee, but I can't do without one cup of caffeine in the opening prayer. Good morning God. Thank you for the gift of another day. And I add some lines sometimes. Two, I write down three lists of my journal every day. One is the food plan for the day. Still do it after all these years? 42 years.
I still write down my plan. Why not?
I do my work plan for the day on my journal, which is, you know, the to do list. And I do an attitude plan these days. What's the attitude that I want to try to cultivate today? Like a positive attitude, for example, or enthusiasm or whatever. But it's important to me to pay attention. Remember, I'm fighting here chronic pain and disability. So I have to work hard on trying to keep my head in the right place. I often will get up in the morning in a very dark place because of the back pain during the night. Well, guess what happens after I sit down for 45 minutes doing my 10th and 11th 12 step work. I come out of there, open and ready to go and have a productive day.
Then I do. I read for today and I write its relevance in my journal. I read the voices of recovery do the same, write down what it means for me. I write a gratitude list every day. This is one of the most valuable things I do every day. To combat the grayness associated with my crying, pain and disability, I do a serenity prayer exercise. I write cannot colon and then I write what can I not change? Right? And then I can what can I change every day? Every day, every day. And of course you know what's on the can change just me. I'm the only thing I can change. I don't have control over everybody else. I say the third step prayer. I say the seven step prayer. I often add on some things to the seven step prayer like God help me today to live in faith, acceptance, hope and surrender. Again, I'm focusing on the solutions. I say the 11 step prayer, the one that's written in page 99 of the AA 12 and 12. Then I do affirmations. Affirmations are very, very important to me. I've learned in this program that I'm in charge of how I feel. First time my sponsor told me that, I wanted to punch him in the mouth, you know, because I felt like a victim, like you guys were responsible for how I feel. But total bullshit, excuse the expression, but it is I'm in charge of how I feel. And I can change how I feel by changing the sentences going through my head. And that's what affirmations do. And that's why they're so important to me. If I get up rather gray in the morning, so I did just for today affirmations. Many of you may know those. Those go way back to early 80s. Just for the day, I'll get through this day only and I'll try to solve my whole life problem, etc. Then I do I have some self esteem affirmations, like I am enough. I have enough. I do enough. I have faith affirmations like God and honest plan of eating and the 12 steps are the foundation of which I face a successful and rewarding life. I do a couple of pain or disability affirmations, like I accept my physical condition as what is its life is not to be wasted. I'll accept and deal with it the way I think God would have me.
I have another little list in my worksheet in front of me called the Basic Reminders. And at the top of that list it says, remember, God doesn't fix things. God gives Me the power to take the actions that fix things. And that's the way I look at God. And I, we're partners in this. God, this doesn't do for me what I need to do for myself. God has never yet cooked me a meal or gone shopping for me or any of that. Spiritual awakening in step 12, right? Step 12 is three part spiritual awakening, service and practice these principles. The spiritual awakening was a long time for me, but basically for this atheist, an awakening was much like it talks about in the Big Book. A spiritual awakening for me was a new awareness of a force for good within me. Something deep within that helps me see beyond my ego and my self centeredness. Big book 55 quote, we found a great reality deep down within us in the last analysis. It is only there that he may be found.
And later on the page it says what he has received is a gift and yet he has made himself ready to receive the gift. And that's what the 12 steps do. You know, 12 steps says, having had spiritual awakening and I didn't know what was going on, but I trusted the process. I kept going and I kept going and I got there and the obsession was lifted and I was feeling like a different person. And I said, what happened?
Oh, that's what God is about. Oh, okay. Part two is about service, carrying the message, passing it on, helping other compulsive eaters and doing whatever I can to keep OA healthy. I accepted the idea from the beginning that service was not optional. Service is a 12 step. Part of the 12 step. It's part of getting well and it's very important in staying well. I was told I must have some job, no matter what job in every meeting I went to. And I did for all these years. All part of my recovery. And I did say must. I must have something to do in that meeting. That was Charlie, that tough love sponsor I had in the beginning.
If I'm not doing some kind of service, I'm not working and living the program and I will eventually lose the gift.
I will eventually lose it. So we have to give back or we can't hold on to. There are not many things that I am 100% sure of. That's one of them. Don't try to help others who have the disease. We lose ours. And the third part of the 12 step is practice these principles. And that's what I want to spend the most time here, or at least on my last few minutes.
I have a lot of list of principles. Short list, long list, the shortest list. I have is Dr. Bob's words at the end. He said, isn't this all about love and service?
And those are. That's part of my motto that's kind of tattooed in the front of my eyeballs. Love and service and all the manifestations of those words. The longest list I have is 81 traits and it's taped to the back cover. My journal is sitting over there. And if you open up the back cover, you'll see this long list of traits in the two columns taped to the back of it. And at the top it says God's will for God. Other than that, I'm not an atheist anymore.
So let me finish up by talking about the principles. You heard a bunch of principles. In my 10th step. Let me finish up with principles and the 10 steps. Principles in the steps, right?
[00:16:51] Speaker B: Each.
[00:16:52] Speaker A: Each of them has a principle. I'm going to go by the names used in the OA, 12 and 12. Let me tell you how I live those. And this is just Don, right? I'm not quoting any books or anything. This is how dawn attempts to live these steps. Practice these principles and all ofaires. Step one, honesty. Practice honesty in all aspects of my life, particularly self honesty. Except that I'm not truly in control of anything, only my own choices. I'm in charge of actions, but God's in charge of outcomes. Stay honest with myself. Accept I have the disease that I cannot control with my own willpower.
Second step, hope. Cultivate an attitude of hope and positive thinking rather than gloominess and negativity and fault finding. That's where I was before. Expect the best, not the worst. My mother always said, always expect the worst on and then you'll be not disappointed. Wrong. Totally wrong. Third is faith. Third step is faith. Trust tomorrow to God to do today what I think God would have me do to prepare for tomorrow. That God will give me what I need to deal with whatever comes. So surrender control of the world to God. Fourth step about courage. Face and deal with life as it is, not as I wish it were or think it ought to be. Don't hide and isolate. Face and deal. Back to that top note sponsor who said, I don't give a crap if you're afraid. Do it anyway. Face it and deal with it. Oh, okay. So courage is not the absence of fear, it's doing it anyway. Watch for my own faults and my part in the conflict. Five is about integrity. Be open.
Be who I am. Be part of the world. Be my true self. No hiding out, no dissonance between my insides and my outsides just for today I will be who I am and give of my best. I say Willingness and Step six Maintain an open minded, flexible and accepting attitude toward life, knowing that the only constant in the world is change. Always be willing to learn and change and cooperate with the guidance of my higher power. Life is constant change and adaptation. So if you're really comfortable where you are, stand by. Something will change.
Getting older is changing. We have to be different people as we get older. Humility is step seven. Be teachable. Be right sized. Be open minded. No better than, no worse than a simple child of God. Let go of status, seeking pride, thoughts or actions that belittle myself or others. Trust God to change me. 8. Self Discipline and I also add forgiveness to 8. So I call it Discipline, Self Discipline and Forgiveness. 8. Practice Self Discipline in my words and actions toward others so as to not hurt them as in A closed mouth gathers no foot, right? There's no way to keep your mouth shut. You don't always have to say everything that runs through your head, right? Love and Tolerance In Step nine Practice unconditional love for myself and others. Accept others as they are, not as I wish them to be. Take full responsibility for my actions and my feelings. Perseverance the book suggests perseverance to work at growth every day in all areas of my life. Keep working at making it better, at making me better, at keeping my side of the street clean as I go, rather than accumulating regrets or guilt and shame for what I've done. 11. Spiritual development that God be my compass instead of my logic. My logic wasn't worth a damn before. Program Cultivate things and people who nourish my soul. Important to me. Who do I hang out with? What do I read? I even have a list in my little worksheet in the morning. A whole list about 25 things on the things that nourish my soul that I need to do or pay attention to. And lastly, service.
Live a life of love and service. See what I can put in rather than take out. An attitude of how can I be of use? How may I be of use? So in closing, let me just say 10, 11 and 12 are about ongoing self assessment, ongoing connection to higher power, helping others who have this disease and practicing these principles in all my I said earlier the 12 steps saved my life. They taught me to become receptive to the healing grace of God. It's God that heals, not me. But I have a bunch of action to take in order to receive the miracle. So if you're not there yet. Get busy. Freedom isn't free.
[00:22:00] Speaker B: Hello. Okay.
Hi, my name is Nancy P. I'm a compulsive overeater recovered.
I've been in the program, it'll be 54 years in January but I've only been recovered for seven and there I wouldn't trade it, you know, I wouldn't trade it. I had plenty of opportunity to get recovered earlier but I did not do that. And I'm okay with that because when I needed it, when I needed it the worst, that's when I got recovered. And you know, I. We're talking about 10, 11 and 12. So I'm not going to like go into my history or anything but I will give some examples in my life of these steps working in my life.
I will say I'm an agnostic still. Today I finally came out of the closet and embraced my agnosticism and I've never been happier. I've never been more serene and I've never been more joyful.
So the tenth step. I'm going to treat you like my sponsees. We're going to go through the 10th step a little bit, just a few sentences age here.
That brings us to step 10. What thought is that? All the promises from step 9. What are the promises? We will know comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. What is it weird? We will be amazed. Before we are halfway through we are going to know new freedom and new happiness. We will not regret the past and wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the words remedy and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience could benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self penny will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people in economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. I mean sign me up if that's what we get. I'm totally on board. So this thought or all those promises thought brings us to step 10 which suggests that we continue to take personal inventory. And so when I took my personal inventory, you know I had been through the big book step study process once before and I worked with an absolutely completely fantastically adequate sponsor. Very bright woman. She had a PhD, knew the book inside out, totally on board and I spent six nights a week for one hour, for three years writing my fourth step and it was 550 pages long and no stone was too small to turn over, no stone unturned. And I wrote it all down. Didn't take eight to 13 more years.
But I, you know, I thought, I thought I, you know, like we all do, you know, whatever you think at some point in your recovery, in your journey, you think you already know that you don't need to be told. And that's what I thought. And my sponsor, she was really passive about the way that I am about getting in. My sponsees say she knew, she knew, she had a few suggestions. I blew her off. She's like, oh, whatever, your choice.
I tell my sponsors that I don't care what they eat and I don't care what they do because what they do doesn't affect me, but they should care. And that's what the tenth step keeps me in fit trim for. So people call me sometimes and they say, can I give you a chance at them? I'd say sure, go ahead. And they say I resent my whoever because blah blah, blah, affects my this, that and the other. And I'm like not even listening to knitting and doing my nails, whatever I'm doing. And then when they finish talking, I always say the same thing. I perk up and I say, sounds like you nailed it.
Because what are they going to do? They're not going to say, and I want to continue to like, you know, cause chaos and be obnoxious. They're never going to say that. They're going to say, so what should I have done? Trust God, whatever, all the rest of it. And I say, sounds like you nailed it. Now if it were me, the next thing that I would do is spend 45 minutes on the phone talking to other people, not mentioning anything about myself.
How's it going? Fine. How's it going with you? Fantastic. I'm great. And I say that to people all the time. I get a lot of calls because I make a lot of calls.
So the 10 sip doesn't have much talking because it says, alright, first we have a thought that says we should continue to take personal inventory and continue to say if any right set right, any new mistakes go along. So really what those things are is we continue to take personal inventory. Step four, continue to say any right step right. Any new mistakes as we go along. Steps 8 and 9, no talking involved there. Well, unless we've done something, we vigorously commence this way of living. Vigorously means with energy and life, you know, Vigorously this way of living, as we pointed out the past. So we're still cleaning up, you know, as things. The fourth step, I tell my sponsees, is for the gravel, not the sand. The tenth step is Windex and a toothbrush for the corners.
For anybody who's ever really wanted their house clean, that's what I do.
We have entered the world of the spirit. Still no talking.
Our next function, this is the big one, is to grow. Where? In understanding and effectiveness. So that's my job in the tenth step, is to grow in understanding effectiveness. And luckily for me, my life presents infinite opportunities for that. And the reason that it does is because self is not dead. But I'm acutely aware of when I have what I call mental disquiet. Anything that sort of is a ripple in the pond, I want clear as glass. I want my brain to be calm and smooth. And so anytime that I get any mental disquiet, I'm hyper aware of it. Why? Because this process is now a working part of my mind. It's like a gear that wasn't there before that's in there now. That makes it, you know, hum along much better. So I want to grow in understanding and effectiveness, but not a lot of talking. Still, this is not an overnight manner, which is good news for me. It should continue for a lifetime, which it is so far. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, fear. When these crop up, which of course they will to be gentlemen, right? We ask God at once. And I'm not really a goddess person, but I'm a wicked surrendery kind of a person.
So I want us to remove them. Step six and seven, the best steps ever. We discuss them with someone immediately. Step five and make amends quickly. If and only if. The only if is my edit. We've hired someone. So the reason I don't call people up and say I need to do a 10 step is because I already know what I've done wrong. The only time I talk to someone is if I don't know how to make the correction. I want to talk to you.
I did this thing and I don't think it's right. And what should I do? Should I call? Should I text? I never would text, but should I call? Should I write a letter? Should I hope and pray? I don't pray, but should I hope?
I don't do that. I seek counsel from others, which is what it says to do in the fourth step. That sentence you know they're talking about in the sex inventory, but Then they go on to say, you know, in other words, we treat it like any other problem. So for me, every problem that I have is worthy of seeking counsel from others, starting with my husband. Secondly, from my sponsor, because my husband is like, Mr.
Chill. He doesn't, you know, I mean, I've wrecked 10 cars since we've got married, and he hasn't even raised an eyebrow.
Like, he's totally calm all the time. Trust me on that.
So, and then this is like, this is it. Then we resolutely. Resolutely means with focus and determination, we turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Which is why I say to people, I think you should call somebody else and ask how you can be of assistance. Or just listen to them, ask them how they're doing. So love and tolerance of others is our code. That's kind of like it's the last, like, little bit. But it's really hard sometimes because. Because sometimes I just want to kick people.
And I'll give you one example. My first example is my neighbor. My neighbor actually is a realtor. She actually sold us our house. We've lived there for 26 or 27, something like that, like over 25 years. And we have a snow thing in the winter. Like, you're not allowed to park on the street. So my husband and I come home from dinner one night and her truck.
[00:30:24] Speaker C: Is parked on our yard.
[00:30:26] Speaker B: And my husband said, is this his truck parked on our yard? And I said, yeah. He goes, what do you mean? I said, I'll take care of it. I'll go tell if she has to take it off. So I gotta tell you, secretly could not wait to get in there.
So I go over to her house. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Her boyfriend answers the door. He's kind of a good looking, dapper kind of a guy. He doesn't know who I am because we don't really, you know, we have different lives. So he opens the door and he raises one eyebrow.
And I said, I'm your neighbor.
Come on in. My name is Chris, by the way. And I said, where's Cynthia? That's like my love and tolerance of others.
So she comes and I said, you, truck seems to be parked on our yard. She goes, oh, now, the truck was a Range Rover, which was parked next to the other very expensive car. And so I said, you, truck is parked on our yard. And she said, oh, yeah, the Jaguar. I said, that's not my problem. Move your truck. She's like, she also built a garage less than six feet from our property line, which I said nothing about because my husband told me that.
So later I said, do you mind if I plant a garden there? I'll pay for everything, water everything, weed it all. It'll be nothing and it'll be nice. So I cleared it all out myself. I planted a very nice garden.
I have allowed you to plant that garden. And I said, I'll dig it up.
I'm. So she wasn't happy. She moved her car. And so that was like a boiling. And by the way, when I got him back in the house, I called my sponsor and I repeated every single word that I said. And what do you think? My sponsor is also a realtor. She said, you were absolutely right. She needs to know some boundaries. So it didn't feel right, even though I'm sure all of you agree with me that she was a jerk.
But I died out on that for a while. I didn't repeat it 100 times, but maybe I repeated it 10 times and then 11 this one, but Mental disquiet. So that was last winter. And I finally decided about three months ago that I was tired of being angry with her.
So I'm not going to go over there and say, I'm sorry that I yelled at you for parking on my property. I'm not going to do that. But I decided that I'm Jewish. But every December, I bake 2,500 Christmas cookies, and I pack them up. They're all awesome. And I pack them up into cute bags that I bought on Amazon with cute stickers. And I say, from Nancy to whoever. And this year, she gets a bag. And that's going to be my amend to her because I'm tired of being angry with her. But I'm also. I'm not a doormat, right? We don't crawl before anybody.
And that is good enough for me. You know, we're never going to be friends because we just, you know, we don't even move in the same circle.
I've had really anything in common other than that she sold me our house. Sold us our house.
So that's like kind of step 10 for me. And step 11.
I'm agnostic, so I never, ever, ever pray. Ever. I'd rather eat glass, but.
But the spirit of it is to figure out what my next step is to be. And I'm going to give you another example. And then I'm going to talk about step 12. My son came home when he was not. My son's 24, but when he was 19, he came home from a visit with my brother and said, uncle Don said it would be a great idea if I got a motorcycle. What do you think about that? And I ground my teeth a little bit of powder. And then I said, well, I don't know.
But what I was thinking was I wanted to stab my son in the eye and then burn my brother's house down.
And I tried to manipulate it. I called my brother up and I said, could you knock off the motorcycle, for fuck's sake? And he said, no, I ride bikes. And that's it to deal with it.
And then my son, he's actually perfect, except for one thing. He does have a tendency to bump up against tender spots every once in a while. So periodically he would say to me, I'm going to get a motorcycle. What do you think? With my knife? And I would say, nothing. But I was, like, dying. And finally I said to him, this was an inspiration.
I don't want you getting hurt. I'm not going to get hurt.
And I don't want you to be hamburger on the street. I'm not going to get hurt. I'm not going to get hurt. And finally I said the truth. I said, if I could just ask you to be respectful of how I feel, that would be good. I can do that. If he never once mentioned it again. And who drove him to his motorcycle safety class? His mother. Who bought him a special. Not from Macy's leather jacket. You gotta go to, like, a special store. 800 bucks leather jacket. His mother and his father, but mostly me. And, you know, who drives him, you know, like, when he wants to go riding with my brother has not one, but two Harley Davidsons. How fortunate.
Who takes him over to Uncle Don?
Not that Uncle Don, my brother Don, me. And you know, like, maintaining, preserving the relationship is more important to me. He called me two days before Mother's Day this year and said, I'm thinking about getting a PhD in math. I said, oh, good. Or joining the military. And I knew that the first one was the bait and the second was the switch.
And I said nothing, because I don't say anything. Like, I don't jump in anymore. And he goes, you don't approve? I said, it's not that at all. I said, I'm sure you'll make the right decision. And I hang up the phone. I said, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And then I said to myself, this is what I call kicking myself in the brain. I said, get on the bus, Nancy, or you're going to miss the trip. And when he called me on Mother's Day, he goes, what do you think? And I said, you know what? I think it's a great idea, which I actually do. I said, you've been a member of a crew since you were in preschool. You've been on teams and camps and sports and all kinds of stuff. I said, you'll get that on steroids in the Army. He's going to join Special Forces, he thinks, anyway. So that was like. That was the gift that I've been given. I talk half as much as I did, and I could talk half as much as I do. So now the 12th step, which I believe is the jewel in the crown. And I think that the 12th step is the most important step because they talk about it starting on the first page of the doctor's opinion, where it.
[00:37:15] Speaker A: Says.
[00:37:18] Speaker B: As for the rehabilitation, he commenced to present his conceptions to other alcoholics, impressing upon limitlessness that they must do likewise. And still others. And then later, in the doctor's opinion, it says, we have found that in our experience shows that nothing contributes more to the rehabilitation of these men than the altruistic movement now growing up among them. Nothing contributes more than what I call fellowshipping. And then if you fast forward through all these and you get to the seventh chapter, working with others, I'm going to treat you like my sponsees again.
Practical experience shows, shows, means, proves that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking or, in our case, eating. As intensive work with other alcoholics, nothing will so much ensure immunity. Now, everybody, I have a secret addiction, buying insurance. I have two other addictions, leather jackets and ironing. Believe it or not, I'm on board insurance, absolutely immunity. Nowadays, of course, we all want it both together. Oh, my God, be still, my beating heart.
And that's the thing. I mean, I was told, like many others have shared, you know, I was told in the beginning to make two phone calls a day.
Well, I used to call the doctors, the lawyers and the teachers that were in court, in surgery or in class. And then I'd wonder why I never could talk to any. And I'd be praying, please don't be there. You know, please don't hang, please don't pick up. Now I troll meetings on Zoom for Newcomer members. I write down Newcomer numbers that come up on a meeting that I go to. They take Newcomer numbers. I mean, I call people all the time. And, you know, I will say this about my experience, my lived experience. When I decided to get better, it was because, you know, the Shit had hit the fan. My daughter, my poor girl, was cutting and burning herself and she was hacking herself up with. I mean. And you know, it was just awful. I was getting called at work three times a week, you've got to come and get her. And I felt like I was getting tased. I was afraid to look at my phone. It was awful. And when I was ready to get better, I called those people because my life depended on it. And I called someone up and I asked them how they were doing. I'd get off the phone. I'd be on the phone for anywhere from 20 seconds to 20 minutes or longer. I'd hang up the phone, I'd burst into tears and I'd cry and cry. I thought I was never going to stop crying.
Rivers and gallants and oceans and buckets of tears.
You know, I would have shouldered her pain in a heartbeat. Any parent would, especially the moms. I don't know about the dads, I'm sure they would, but any mother would protect her children and I couldn't. And I thought that she was doing that because what an asshole I was to her when she was growing up. And I told her that when I made amends to her, I was glad that she forgave me because I could spend the rest of my life making up to it. Making up her and making it up to her, which I had tried to do. Even though she's fish and 22 and she thinks that someone's going to walk past our house and say, gosh, there's a, must be a new college graduate there that needs a high paying job. I think I'll knock on the door and see if she's there, see if anyone's there. But you know, like this, that part of 2018, when she was, you know, we got home from a trip, a vacation, and she went into the hospital and stayed there for the next four months and we had to go visit her every night in the locked ward. Those people saved me. I did not eat so much as an extra grain of rice, not one bite. And that's how come I know it can be done. But the most important thing that I do, I mean, I do do a written 11 step inventory, you know, what could we have done better? And all that stuff. I do a written one physical course is an app for that.
But the most important thing that I do of anything that I do, including brushing my teeth, including taking a shower and all the rest of it is fellowshipping, what I call fellowshipping with other compulsive overeaters they saved me. They continue to save me. And the 12th step, the last thing that I'll say, I know my time's up. The 12th step, of all the things that it does, the spiritual awakening, the practicing, the principles of helping other people, even more than that, the best gift that it does is it knits the whole process together 12 to 1 so that it forms an eternal circle. And with that, I'll pass.
[00:42:06] Speaker A: Thank you very much, Nancy. All right, this workshop will end at 4:45. So we have 15 minutes for shares at 3 minutes each, which means 5 people at 3 minutes if you rush to the front. So come to the front of the room. Remind you this session is being recorded. Your sharing demonstrates your consent to be recorded. If you wish to remain anonymous, please use a fictitious name or choose not to share. Please say where you're from and how long you've been in OA, but devote your share to your OA experience, strength and hope on steps 10, 11 and 12. We are now open for sharing. There's no room over here, so come up around this way if you want to get in line. Are there five that would like to share?
[00:42:51] Speaker B: Hi, I'm Lisa.
[00:42:52] Speaker D: I'm a compulsive eater.
That's Uncle Don.
[00:43:02] Speaker B: Great.
[00:43:03] Speaker D: Last night was great as well. And one of the things that I picked up today, and I had a different way of saying it, but when Nancy mentioned dining out on it, so being sucked into drama, we can feathering and chewing on and dining out on whatever it is that somebody wronged us. Everybody was, you know, they were lashing out at me or something to that effect or having that resentment. And one of the ways that I have heard it said as well is it's like chewing gum. And as a child, I would chew gum all day long and at the end of the night, don't get grossed out, Take it out, put it on my headboard the next morning, pick up that gum, chew it all day. I was the youngest of five. I think that was the only piece of gum I got for the week. So that process, and I can't say that I do a 10, 11 and 12 every day, but here I am putting that out there and hopefully jump starting a deeper level of that. And I don't want to pick up that gum from yesterday or chew on it continually today either. I need to get it out and just be at peace. I don't want something that I'm resentful about to take away my peace and my serenity because that's what I'm in recovery from now, whatever is going on between my ears, it's not so much the alcohol or the food.
[00:44:47] Speaker C: Thank you.
[00:44:49] Speaker D: The thinking problem that I have.
[00:44:51] Speaker E: So thanks for letting me share.
[00:44:59] Speaker C: Hi, I'm Anne.
[00:45:01] Speaker B: I'm a home false ranger.
I've been in OA and abstinent for 20 years. I'm down about 45 pounds from my top weight. One of the first conversations I had was an old timer in OA. She told me that 10, 12 were the maintenance step. And she told me that she had gone to a special workshop 10 through 12 workshop early on in her abstinence and that everyone who went to that workshop had stayed absent. So it really stuck in my mind that 10 through 12 were very important.
And I learned a format on a phone meeting early on. It was called the four GS. I've modified it somehow since then where I write down a list of things I'm grateful for, a list of things I did well, a shorter list of glitches and goals for tomorrow, and then I write down my food for the following day and I send it to my sharing partner and I do that.
The only time I think I skipped it since I learned this format was the night that I had cancer surgery at seven nights.
But I always write that down and send it in before I go to bed. And I cannot sleep if I don't do that.
So I took part what this old timer told me early on and I still stand by it.
[00:46:45] Speaker F: Hi, I'm Jen, reader and addict and loving what I'm hearing. And I think what is oh great. I've been in. I came back to OA in 2012 and I am from Norwood, Massachusetts and I've been absent since December 12, 2012.
I think I say that because, you know, I think I'm experiencing lately a healthy fear of to make sure that I maintain my absence and recovery and that I don't get complacent. So what I'm hearing is essentially that we maintain it in steps 10, 11 and 12, that in working this way of life repeatedly over and over again, that we don't graduate, that it's just one day at a time.
And when I take a step back and I think about the idea that the thing that ensures immunity is working with others. I think about the relationships in my life with my sponsor, with my sponsees.
I think about husband. I think about all of the relationships and my friendships and programs. I think about how this is kind of the network, the structure, the thing that holds me in recovery, that Keeps me going and that if I stop that if I opt out of those things, I could very, very easily. Thank you.
Go back, you know, and I don't ever, ever want to go back there. I think of my life then and then I think of my life now and I just, I can't even imagine.
I just then in order to keep life I have now, I know that when I wake up in the morning and oftentimes I wake up and I'm feeling resentful and angry and I need that attitude adjustment of doing my 10th and 11th morning because if I don't I'm going to face my day in a completely different way. It's going to be the old way.
And so I too have a 10th and 11th step practice in morning and it's changed over the years and it's format has changed and I love hearing about how other people do theirs and I always get new and fresh ideas.
Anyway, really grateful to be here and the path I've chosen and thank you being on it with me.
[00:49:43] Speaker A: Time for two more. No gratitude here.
[00:49:45] Speaker E: Hi, I'm Felicia, I'm a composable reader.
I went to my first going meeting in 1991 and have been in and out. Two years ago I came back to Overeated Anonymous in October 13th. I had surgery a week later. A week after that my husband had a nervous breakdown and told me that he was in love with someone else and needed to get divorced. And I was like took my third step prayer the day after.
Divorced in five days and then he told me he was having a nervous breakdown and asked me not to get divorced and I just didn't eat. A lot of times I called Nancy and I got busy working the steps in the big book. And six months ago, well, I guess a year ago I had lost like 90 pounds and a year ago I got away from the disciplines of 10, 11 and 12 and so I reset my abstinence and over the spring and worked with a sponsor again and went through them and have a better understanding for me of how to do 10 and 11 and 12 that I can. And I think it's been covered so well. I just want to say for me one of the I don't talk to my sponsor all the time. You know, I talk to her pretty much every day when I was going through the steps and she has two slots and so then it was time for her to be able to help other people and for me to be able take that time to sponsor other people and help them. But when I do 10, I think of her because I don't do it the way that a lot of people who call me to do a ten step does.
[00:51:22] Speaker B: I do it the way that she.
[00:51:23] Speaker E: Taught me to do, which is the way that her sponsor taught her to do. And it just makes me feel close to her. And when I do my step 11, it makes me feel close to her because I think of her and I read hers and then I can check and be like, okay, like, I'm on the. I feel like I'm on the right path, and I feel close to my higher power. For me, it's another way to feel like, okay, this is my time to connect with my higher power. This is my time to do a self evaluation. This is my time to reset and reconnect and thank you. And 12, I have a sponsor that called me who was a friend of mine, and, like, I'm in trouble, and I just don't see a way out. And will you be my sponsor? And selfishly, I didn't want to because I was afraid I was going to lose my friend. And I was so grateful that I could pray and pause and be like, that's being selfish, and say, yes, and I get her gratitude now. And I'm like, how is this even the same person? Like, I want to be that connected someday. You know what I mean? And so I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be her sponsor, to be able to see that I could give her the book and the way that. That it worked for me and that I can also witness that, because sometimes when I don't even see my own growth, I'm able to see somebody else's. And it's just such a miraculous experience. And so 10, 11, and 12 always help me to feel connected, reconnect with myself, reconnect with my higher power, and then connect with others, which is all what I think this is about. So thank you. And I've lost 115 pounds.
[00:52:57] Speaker A: One more quick.
[00:52:58] Speaker B: One more quick one.
[00:52:59] Speaker A: Okay, come. It's a long day. I think we're getting tired.
[00:53:03] Speaker C: Pam. I am and always will be a food addict. I always say I've lost my legs. I'm not growing them back. Once an addict, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. And that's me.
I've been in this program since 1987. I'm 37 years of abstract and grateful for that. Really, really grateful for that. And I find that, you know, if you don't grow, you go. And for a long time, I didn't have a lot of spiritual Awareness. As a matter of fact, my sponsor told me that she thought I was spiritually bankrupt when I was doing an awol. And I was very, very offended and told her I was in a nice way. It was an offensive thing to say. However, I do think that I've grown since then, have a higher power. That's a lot more important in my life.
I ask myself, what's the next right thing to do?
I'm divorced. I have two children that have had a very difficult life. Their father has inherited dementia, which they have 50% chance of getting. And it's an early on.
And they're very angry at their father and other people and sometimes me. And just being able to say to them that I love them unconditionally out of the gift of this program. My son was saying, well, dad did nothing for me. And, well, you might have done a little, mom, but not too sure. He called like a day or two later. Are you mad at me? I said, dean, you know you have to do a lot more than that to get me to leave you alone, to get me not to be angry at you. You are my son. I will always love you.
And my daughter, she said to me, well, she was talking about our cat of 18 years dying. And she said, well, mom, you weren't very nice about it because my now husband wouldn't let us have the cat when she couldn't keep it. I said, you know, Laurel, I'm just really, really sorry I couldn't do more for you. You know, it was either take the cat or stay married.
You know, And I went for the marriage part since I had already been through one divorce.
But just to say that, you know, today I'm grateful, so grateful to be able to make an amend, or at least to be honest and to forgive my kids and myself for not being perfect. You know that it begins with this program to like myself enough to say that I've made a mistake. That, no, your mother's not like, you know, superwoman, never was, but that I do do the best I can. And I'm so grateful for this program.
[00:56:06] Speaker B: Thanks.
[00:56:12] Speaker A: Okay, our time is up for the day. Thanks, everyone for sharing, those of you who shared, and thanks everyone else for coming. We will close with the Serenity Prayer.
Grand Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know.
