Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Welcome, everyone. My name is Karen. I'm a compulsive overeater.
And this is a special focus specific focus meeting for anorexia and bulimia.
I don't usually identify myself at the beginning of a meeting by saying that I am anorexic or bulimic. But the fact is, my disease of compulsive eating manifested itself in the form of binging and purging for many years.
So I know that bulimia is the way my disease shows up.
Showed up before I came here and can show up again.
Part of the reason that I work hard at my OA program is so that it doesn't show up again because it was really miserable.
I'm assuming if you're attending this group, you know what I'm talking about.
And I appreciate so much being with other people who get this.
And I'm still surprised at myself for being able to sit in front of you and tell you that I did that, that those behaviors were mine because they were secret and I wanted them to always remain secret.
So I signed up to do this two days ago.
I think it was the only thing left on the schedule that had not been volunteered for.
And when I get the emails from the convention committee, I always look at them and see what are they telling me now and anything new and what. And each time when it said press here to volunteer for service, I'd press there and I'd look and I'd go, okay. And I'd leave that site and go back to my life.
And each time I did that, I noticed that there was an empty spot here.
And I asked myself, karen, you know, you're not speaking at any of the workshops this time. Why don't you take that?
You know, I just want to. I'm feeling like I just want to be taken care of at this convention this time. And I don't. I don't want to do that.
And then the email would come, press here, first service.
And this damn thing was still open.
And when I got that last one, it was two days ago. I said, my goodness. And I pictured the people I know who are on the committee, and I thought, Karen, they need your help.
You know them. You know what it's like to be in these positions of service and trying to make it all work. And so I.
Yeah, and I signed up. So here I am.
Here I am feeling like I just Want other people to talk to me.
And I just kind of want to be held and I want to be in charge of anything. But I'm not in charge.
I'm here just to tell the truth. I'm here just to tell you why I fit this role, what I've learned here, and to hear from you guys.
So I guess I'll talk about a little bit about why I think my eating disorder showed itself in the way that it did.
Because I've come to understand that we are all facets of the same diamond. Whether we overeat, under, eat over, exercise, whatever we do. These eating behaviors, food related behaviors, they're all part of a disease that I have come to understand and recognize in my own life.
What I thought I was doing was finding a solution.
I thought my bulimia was a solution, not a problem.
The overeating I was doing, that really started.
Well, it started in puberty. I'll tell you. I was not comfortable in puberty.
I was a little tomboy.
And when things started changing in my body and in the bodies of my friends, when things started changing in our identities, our culture, our behaviors, our activities, I was not there.
I thought, what on earth is happening here? Why can't I play football with those guys anymore?
Now that's wrong. It was right and now it's wrong.
What happened to all of them, that didn't happen to me. And I was scared and ashamed. And I really made two decisions at that time. One was, I'm not going to tell anybody how weird I feel.
And two, I'm going to figure out how to go along with what everybody else is doing because I must be wrong. Something about me is really wrong.
So I did. I tried very hard to be like everybody else. I watched and I mimicked and I pretended and I lied and nobody knew but me.
And I thought, surely I'll grow out of this or something.
You know, I was a little budding lesbian and I did not even know what that was. I didn't know what that meant. I just knew that something was different about me.
And the fact was, eating was comforting and kind of quieted all those self doubts that were rattling around in my head.
So I ate for comfort.
And then I realized the shape of my body was changing and there were consequences to overeating that were not acceptable to me.
And I heard about binging and purging. I heard about purging. I knew about overeating, but I did not know about making oneself vomit to lose what had been consumed.
This, to me Was a revelation because it meant, I thought, consequence free eating.
Oh, my God, this is it. I found it. I found it. Now I can secretly overeat. I can secretly lose it.
And there will be no consequences to my covered up in the dark, behind closed doors behavior.
You know, I did that for quite a while.
And I look back on those years and feel like, sort of, they were wasted. I didn't do it. I don't know what my life involved. I did not make close friendships. How can I make close friendships? I was living a lie every day. I didn't want anybody to know me.
I was going through the motions of college, whatever, graduate school, but my life was very, very.
My cousin sent me an engraved invitation to a formal award ceremony where he was being honored in Chicago, where I lived.
I hadn't seen him in years.
I didn't want to go.
It was black tie.
I didn't own anything to wear.
And I felt weird at the thought of putting on some kind of gown. I wasn't exactly gown material. I don't know what material I thought I was, but I didn't own a gown. I looked in my closet, and there were about four sizes of clothes, but nothing was right.
I kept saying, I should go. I won't go. I will go. I should go. I could shop. I can't shop. I can't. I was crazed by this, and I didn't do anything.
I binged and purged every day, but I didn't act on the invitation.
The day came and went. I never even RSVP'd.
I just pretended it wasn't happening, and I tortured myself in the process.
Months later, my cousin died.
He had aids, and I didn't know.
And this was his attempt, as he was in decline, to reach out to his cousins and invite them to be with him to be honored for his work.
I didn't know and I didn't go.
And that relationship was lost.
There are no consequences.
Oh, there are consequences.
There are physical consequences that I endured.
Still got issues related to my teeth, but I think more about my cousin.
The emotional consequences, the spiritual consequences of personal, interpersonal loss.
I don't want that anymore.
And when I came into this program, I came because keeping the secrets felt more painful than what I imagined it would take to reveal the secrets.
That was my turning point.
I was miserable and hurting myself.
I was living a lie every day, and I couldn't tolerate what it felt like to do that anymore.
The losses were real.
The consequences were coming at me.
I knew a woman named Peggy who Went away.
She never talked to me about it, but I knew that she did.
And I believe that she was an angel in my life. Because just knowing that there was someone who was living with some sort of solution that was a whole lot better than my solution.
My solution had hurt me.
So I did the unthinkable.
I told the truth to Peggy.
And she just listened. She said, are you ready to go to a meeting?
There was the question. And there I was at the crossroads. Are you ready to go to a meeting? Yes or no?
It wasn't a complicated question, but it was a pivotal one for me.
And I said yes.
And that was nearly 40 years ago. And I've been going to meetings ever since.
You know, my recovery has been about telling the truth.
It's been about resisting that fundamental urge I seem to have, which I consider my illness.
That fundamental urge to draw into myself and hide from you.
To keep that secret. Feeling whatever it is, anger, hurt, confusion.
To keep that to myself and expect myself to figure it out and then maybe tell you about it. But not now. Not when I'm mad at you.
Maybe I'll tell you about it later when I'm not mad anymore. It's all okay. It's okay.
You know, 40 years, I've gone through a lot of stuff.
I've gone through a lot of stuff.
I look back and I see that it's really been a series of discoveries about me realizing a truth, sharing it, and living in that truth for a little bit, and then realizing some other truth is now apparent.
Me a little deeper, a little bit more.
You know, I can remember when I came out as lesbian, I was so terrified.
And my sponsor said, you know, you understand, everything is going to change.
You're going to have a different kind of reference group. You're going to have a different community.
You'll probably go to different meetings.
You'll probably leave the suburbs and go live in the city.
I sat there, no, no, no. I don't want anything to change except I. I can't keep the secret anymore.
She said, you know, well, let's see. Well, of course, fast forward. Every single thing she said happened. Every single thing she said happened. And in fact, I wanted it by the time I got to was a blessing, But I was so afraid.
But each one of those things, I just unfolded a little more, a little more, a little more, a little more.
And this has been a safe place to do that.
You know, I'm going through stuff now.
I have an adult child, almost 30 years old, and has been somewhat Estranged for me since I remarried. The remarriage. This was not what my child wanted.
And I hurt my child through that period. And I did not intend to, but I did. And again, I pretended I wasn't hurting my child.
But poor Teddy suffered. And I see that today.
And so today, I work on reconnecting with my child, facing the truth honestly with Teddy, telling the truth, being humble enough to say, you know what?
I understand why you pulled away from me. I hurt you. I hurt you. If I had it to do over again, I would do it differently. But I can't go back. So I will commit now to going forward honestly.
And that's where we are. Teddy has committed to going forward honestly, too, and we are doing it.
What that looks like in the years to come, I have no idea. But I'll keep showing up, and I am committed to doing so with frankness and love.
My marriage is a mess right now. I hate to say that. I hate to say it out loud because I don't want it to be true. So why don't we pretend?
I am trying very hard to confront this honestly and lovingly with someone who means so much to me, but at the same time, does not feel like the person I want to be close with anymore.
Boy, it's hard to even say those words out loud, but they're true.
So I will say them.
The authentic Karen may need to leave this marriage. I'm 71 years old.
[00:21:06] Speaker B: Thank you.
[00:21:08] Speaker A: I'm 71 years old, and I. I would rather not move into a next chapter of my life without a partner.
What does my higher power have in store for me?
I don't know.
But pretending that things are fine when they're not is not my path. That is not spiritual recovery that I've been given in this program.
So I move forward. I don't know what that looks like either, but I woke up this morning and had an abstinent breakfast.
I thought about what I wanted to share with all of you, and I came down here to fill a slot that just wouldn't get filled by anybody else.
And at this moment, I'm glad that I did and that I didn't choose to be inside some back row of a workshop when I know that my recovery is about telling the truth, practicing that today is the next right thing.
Thank you for your attention, and I so look forward to you sharing back with me. Thanks.
So it says right here that when I share. Oh, no, this is for you. Good timing is perfect. When you share, spend a moment or two saying where you're from, from, and how long you've been in OA and your length of abstinence, but please reserve the bulk of your share for the topic. Also, if you're in another 12 step fellowship, please speak only to your personal recovery as an OA member.
We are recording our sessions by ourselves. Room monitor, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
We have Laura. Keep keeping time.
What do people want? Two minutes, Three minutes? I don't know.
What are we?
Three minutes. Thank you to the mathematician in the room.
All right, the floor is open for comments. By the way, I didn't mention that I.
I am from Vermont and I'm so happy to be here and a part of Region 6.
Please.
Unless you don't want the recorded need to sleep into the mic so that we also. I can pass this to the person who's speaking. Why don't I do that?
She said that we could record the whole thing, so.
All right.
Yeah. I didn't volunteer to look it up, but you did.
[00:25:06] Speaker C: Yeah.
I'm Liana. I'm a grateful, recovering, compulsive, overeater and food addict and anorexic and bulimic.
Hi, everybody. And I'm abstinent today. By God's loving grace. Just one day at a time. Thank you, Karen, for doing service today and sharing your truth. I found my very first AB meeting at convention last year. And I remember going in the room and. And hearing what I heard. And I was so grateful that my deep, dark secret could finally be spoken out loud and that I wasn't alone and that other people were doing the things that I had done.
You know, I used anorexia as a weapon and I used it every time. I had a man in my life who harmed me in some way, I was going to show him. And I would go into starvation mode and I would just stop eating. And it made me feel powerful. It made me feel like in moments when I had no control, I had control. This was my way of control.
And I would just waste away. You know, I might drink some liquids just to stay hydrated a little bit, but that was it. I wouldn't eat any solids. And I would see my body getting smaller, even though my dysmorphia is really bad. I mean, I still look in the mirror. I'm about 17 pounds heavier than I was when I was really anorexic.
And I'm in a very healthy body weight for myself, but I can still look in the mirror and just see things that aren't actually there. And it's Scary. It's scary.
And so I have a commitment to my sponsor that what I write down, I commit and I eat that. So I have to do. I mean, I've been at meetings with you when you've talked about, you know, when I go to the grocery store, it's not about buying the biggest apple. I have to be careful not to buy the smallest one because, you know, I want to play with my food that way. Like, I find too. Like, I measure olive oil onto my food. I need to measure the full tablespoon, like, I can find myself. Want to not do the whole tablespoon. And I have to take a step back and say, okay, God, what's going on in my head and in my life that, like, I feel compelled to play with my food that I committed.
So I'm. I'm just. You know, today, it's like, when life gets hard, it's less about binging, it's more about restricting. It's more about I don't want to eat, and I have to make sure that I'm doing what I said I would do.
On the bulimia side, for me, it was. There was some purging, but it was a lot more of the exercise stuff, really. Just trying to exercise, to take it off. So it would be like, binge, then exercise like a fiend, and then get on the scale, and then if the number wasn't low, exercise more and then get on the scale and exercise more and get on the scale. And it was just this, like, obsession. I just. I couldn't stop.
And today it's like, I have a commitment. You know, I'm. I'm in maintenance, so I weigh in once a month. I mean, once a week. When I was losing, I was once a month. And I have a dietitian, and. But even that. Like, right now, I'm used to just writing my food down, and right now she has me doing stuff. Stop On a nap, and I have to be really careful because that can play with my head, too.
Okay. So today it's like, you know, thank you, God, for the structure of this program, and I'll pass this on.
[00:28:48] Speaker A: Who wants it? Okay.
[00:28:52] Speaker D: Hi, my name is Kristen. I'm a compulsive overeater, bulimic, and also from Vermont.
Oh, my gosh. This is an amazing meeting.
I have been to some anorexic bulimic focuses, but not in recent times, and it feels so good to be in one because I just feel like these are my people.
[00:29:24] Speaker A: People.
[00:29:25] Speaker D: Like, these are people that understand me. And I understand them. And I think I wanted to just weigh in about my relapse experience simply because I think it's easy to become complacent in recovery, at least for me, and like start doing little playing around a little bit here. What can I get away with there?
And which quickly goes to a mental.
Can quickly turn to mental obsession of some type, whether it's the scale or my body, wherever that's focused.
But I, in a different program, gained recovery. And along with that came recovery of bulimia.
I sort of wrapped the two up together when really they're separate and really needed to be treated separately. But they were wrapped up and I thought, oh, you know, I've got this. And I started obsessively eating a certain food that was very low calorie, so it was acting to keep my weight down, but I was very much binging on it. So. So my behavior hadn't changed, just the food, which was very unhealthy, I might add.
So it was like, kind of felt like a whack a mole situation. And I didn't know how to handle that. And of course one thing led to another. I started binging and purging again. I mean, it was kind of inevitable.
And the misery that came with that was so unbearable because no matter what I did, I could not stop binging and purging. And it became so real to me that, oh my God, this is like that other thing that I got recovery from. I cannot stop no matter what. I. I got up every single day. Today's the day. I'm not going to do this again. And I could not. Thank you.
Fast forward going to away every single day for a year. On day one, raising my hand, day one, I finally was able to gain recovery again and have not looked back and have not stopped working a very rigorous program because I never want to go back there again. So thank you very much for letting me share.
[00:32:29] Speaker A: Thank you, Chris.
[00:32:37] Speaker E: I'm Beth, compulsive, overeater, balloonic and anorexic. And hi everybody. And yes, it's good to be in a place where in a way where I don't have to explain myself, but in this meeting where I don't have to explain myself, but I heard last night, the first time the description of my bulimia.
I'm an exercise and laxative bulimic, never purged, never vomited, but I'm also an anorexic and I knew about the bulimia, the over exercising and that just I want to get rid of this. I want to get rid of this. And it started with my mother's Ex Lax. And then she's wondered, where, where did my box of Ex Lax go? And I started buying, and it was a double hit for me because it was chocolate and it supposedly got rid of everything.
And I wonder why. I have digestive problems now. My doctor said that with what you did. Yeah. Did you expect to get off scot free? Well, yeah, I did.
[00:33:40] Speaker D: But.
[00:33:41] Speaker E: But anyhow, my primary care was the first one that called me a bulimorexic. And I said, oh, no, no, I'm not anorexic. I was never like 73 pounds and couldn't stand up. And she said, but you restricted food. You would not eat all day because nobody could see you. Oh, yeah, I ate breakfast. Oh, yeah, I ate lunch, which I never did. And I was still living with my parents. And if I didn't eat dinner, I would hear about from my dad about the kids starving during World War II and Italy, and you need to eat your food because they were.
Anyhow, so I would eat what I called a token dinner. And right away my body got to the point it just naturally started rejecting the food. I would be in the bathroom and I kept my weight down like that. And as I feel, it's like, yeah, I'm not at a healthy body weight right now. I'm very overweight, obese on the BMI chart.
But I think, well, I haven't practiced my anorexic and bulimic. And this is what happens when you don't purge and you're still overeating.
And I find that if I go too long between my meals, no, I don't, like, sit and stuff my face. The anorexic feeling, the result of the anorexia comes back. It's a feeling of euphoria. I'm better than you. I don't need food. Look at me, I'm better than you. I don't need to eat. And I had a therapist tell me once that anorexics, especially anorexics, number one, they have high cholesterol levels because their body tries to survive. So it produces a lot of cholesterol, but also that they've put themselves above God because they don't feel they need to eat or that they need to. And I was like, wow, that really hit me because I don't ever want to think that I'm above God. That's where I get my recovery from, is from my higher power. I have not practiced the anorexic or bulimic in a lot of years, and I'm very grateful for that. Thank you.
[00:35:52] Speaker F: Hey, everyone, I'm Blair, compulsive, overeater, and anorexic. Really, really grateful to be with you all here.
I always like to say that I'm maintaining a weight release of about 190 pounds and a weight gain of 60 pounds.
I came into program about 10 years ago, and service is my middle name, which I'm sure it is for a lot of us.
And I never used to talk about my anorexia, but it was actually the first problem I had.
I had a rape When I was 15 years old, my best friend, and plunged into incredible depression and then stopped eating because that's how I coped. And I didn't want to tell anyone what had happened, so I didn't. And I just stopped eating.
And then at dinner, I would, you know, cut things up really well. I don't know if anyone relates to this and move it around and, like, then it would look like I ate something, but I didn't. And my body dysmorphia, I have. I felt like I was literally £5 billion, if I could imagine that.
And I never looked in the mirror. I just was disgusted. Whereas people in my life, I had always been 5, 5, 5, 6, like, pretty strong, athletic, not small, and then released a lot of weight really quickly. And everyone's like, oh, my God, you look beautiful. How amazing. Amazing.
[00:37:33] Speaker C: Like, look at you.
[00:37:33] Speaker F: And I was like, of course. Of course I get validation when I'm, like, not well. But I also felt like I was a billion pounds and I was really unwell. I had to go into the hospital.
I had some heart stuff happen and went to all these therapists with my parents, and they were in denial. And it was not good. It was not good. I was 15 years old, and I had grown up with my mom, like, pinching herself and saying, like, oh, like, this doesn't fit well, or I look not good, or, you know, she had a lot of body image stuff and her mom had body image stuff. And, oh, it's so surprising that Blair has body image stuff as well.
And I also like to share that my mom, my aunt, my brother, my two cousins, and my grandparents all had problems with alcohol or drugs. And all of them, except for my grandparents, are in 12 step programs. And I was convinced that I didn't need it because once I got to college, I went the other way. I ate and ate and ate, and my top weight was 350 pounds that I recorded So I have no idea what my actual top weight was, but going from under £100 to £350, I'll just wrap up and say I hurt my body a lot.
And I was also born very prematurely in the late 1970s. I weighed 1lb 11oz and was born at 24 weeks and have had a lot of medical problems.
And I am glad I'm in this room.
So I'm also glad I get to share with you all that I am an anorexic and most importantly, I am from Vermont as well.
[00:39:25] Speaker A: So thanks. Yeah, go ahead.
[00:39:36] Speaker G: Hey, everybody, I'm Laura L.
Hey, good morning. I'm a food addict, bulimic, graduation restrictor and compulsive eater. I've been in program since 2001 and I've been entirely abstinent for the last three years or so anyway, so I grew up with alcoholism, immediate family, extended family and narcissism and some violence and all that fun stuff, abuse and whatever. Anyway, but there was also good times too. But I related a lot to Karen. Sorry for the cross talk, but I lived in a lie most of my life.
And the lying was I just didn't have an identity because I was pretty much. I was the oldest, I was ruled by a very. An abusive parent. My mom, she didn't know any better, but it was difficult. So I felt I didn't have an identity. And I was anxious and scared all the time of being punished and hit and yelled at. So I ate starting at a pretty young age. And that angered my mom so much. So all I wanted to be when I grew up was pretty and thin. That was like I didn't care about anything else.
And my great. I was a great grazer. And I grazed, you know, up and down weight and stuff like that. But when. And I also drank when I was in.
Let me see.
And I came out as a lesbian, actually in my late 20s, I think, early 30s, something like that.
But back to the grazing. So I grazed for a long, long time. And then I. I graduated. I don't want to say, but you know how the disease is progressive and keeps getting worse. So I started binging. And then when I started binging because I had horrible body image. I was about 70 pounds heavier than I am now, but horrible, horrible. I thought I was the ugliest, fattest person on earth. And I was criticized a lot. So I got that reinforced all the time.
And so I started throwing up. No, first I was exercise, bulimic. I would run five miles a day. No Matter what. I don't care.
That got boring. So then I started throwing up. And ironically or not, sadly, I was. And I'm still in this position. I work at a college in Connecticut where I'm from, that I was helping bulimics and anorexics and women with eating disorders, young women. And I'm like, oh, that I could try that. How sick is that? So I started throwing up, and I wasn't very good at it, but then I got better.
So I did that for a long time, and I graduated again to spitting out. I started. I would put all this food in my mouth. I thought this was so smart. I wouldn't get calories, but I would get the taste, and then I would spit it out. So I entered program and oa a real effin mess. Sorry. I was very disgusting. Did a lot of disgusting, harmful things to myself.
And the rest is a beautiful history. And I'll stop there. Thank you.
Who would like to.
[00:43:21] Speaker H: Hi, I'm Liz.
I feel like there's, like, two meetings a year that are really important for me to go to, and this is one of them.
Coming to this convention has been, like, monumental for my life. And last year I came to this meeting and being in a room full of people, like we've said, like in oa, that understand you, but then also another room that, like, truly understands, like, both sides of what an overeating disorder could be. Because I remember being £350 and eating everything, all my feet.
I remember that me and my partner at the time had a pact that we were only allowed to purge two times a week, and we were allowed to do it together because we binged so much. But then I started doing it more, and I had to keep more secrets about it because I didn't want her to get mad at me. Well, fast forward, I got weight loss surgery, and the binging part was taken away from me, and I lost the ability to eat my feelings how I once did. And being someone with, like, all or nothing, thinking it was, oh, I can't eat all of my feelings anymore, then I'm not gonna eat at all then. And I went from eating everything to never eating anything again after my surgery. And it was really crazy to go from being so big that I needed weight loss surgery to being so little that I was on a feeding tube for months in eating disorder treatment because I was well under £100. And being in treatment when they're like, oh, you need to regain this weight. I'm sitting there like, I was just told I needed to lose hundreds of pounds. How can someone tell me I need to gain £100 again?
And that's when I realized I have compulsive eating. I have a food addiction. And there's more to this than just weight loss surgery or eating or not eating. There's a mental part of this that I needed to figure out for myself. And I'm so grateful that I found OA that I was able to go to a meeting. And everyone's like, oh, I remember my first meeting. Me, too. My first meeting, I went in looking how I do now, and they said, you don't look like you belong here. Are you sure you're at the right meeting? And I was, like, taken aback, but I didn't let that stop me, because I knew that there are people in this program that have had weight loss surgery that are anorexic, that have compulsive eating issues, that aren't just always eating all the food we use that compulsion to not eat as well. And I'm really glad I continue continued to go because this program saved my life. I went from being about 80 pounds to being at a healthy weight now that I'm very proud to be able to maintain for over a year and have this abstinence. And I'm very happy that I was able to find a sponsor through ZOOM that met me where I was at and able to accept me in all of my aspects with oa. So I'm very grateful for this program to bring me to here today.
[00:46:45] Speaker B: Hi, everyone. I'm Rita, Compulsive leader, restrictor, recovering anemic.
I don't know what I'm going to say, but I just, you know, thank you all for just kind of sharing.
Actually, you know, I could so relate to so many shares.
I also. Well, I hated puberty, and I was a tomboy, and I was like, what the heck is going on? And also grew up in, you know, in alcoholism. And denial is a huge part of my illness. And one of the reasons why I decided to speak up because.
And thank you for the speaker for speaking so much about truth and honesty, because I just have had so much kind of facade for so, so long. And OA has really helped me, you know, kind of, you know, little by little, you know, trying to just really be who I am. And part of that is, like, opening up my voice and speaking and, like, say, hi, I'm Rita. I'm a compulsive overeater from Massachusetts, by the way. And, you know, yeah, I mean, I think the denial was so big. And, you know, I just. I've heard one person say, I have the please, please, please, please love me disease. And I don't want to take credit. I've heard that from a fellow in here, and I'm glad we get to share things.
But it led me to, you know, I was looking at those magazines when I was in my teens and thought, you know, just, just get, just get somebody to give me me. Get a man to give me the worth, you know, Holy rolly.
You know, and just.
Yeah, just.
I don't know, just. Just glad to be here and, you know, I don't know if there's anything more I can say. Well, the denial is that, you know, I, I needed four teeth. I needed four new veneers by the time I was 26.
You know, I remember when I was 26, my knees hurt so much from over exercising. I couldn't walk up the stairs. You know, I was up at 5am kind of, you know, riding an exercise bike that just liked to destroyed my knees, you know.
And so I'm just so glad for this program. It has kind of given me so much, but the most that it has given me is God back, you know. So thank you.
[00:50:02] Speaker A: Hi, my name is Pat G. And I'm.
I just want to say thank you to all of you because I am not an anorexic or a bulimic. I came here because I want to be able to listen more with more empathy. Well, not that I don't listen with empathy, I hope, but more empathy and understanding of what people who call me because I take calls from, you know. Well, we all do, I'm sure. All over the country. All over the world. Right. And people have so many experiences, and I just don't have any comprehension of what the real situation is that people who call me with bulimia or anorexia are living with.
And so this has been really helpful for me to know the true depths of what you've lived with. Because, yes, I'm a compulsive overeater and a food addict, but I've only been on the too much side, period.
And this has really been helpful. So thank you all.
[00:51:25] Speaker I: Hi, I'm Lisa. Anorexic, just anorexic, not bulimic. I tried bulimia. I tried laxatives. I was doubled over in pain. I tried over exercising. I hate exercising.
I just decided to starve myself.
I think it started when I was younger. My mother was schizophrenic, and life was really hard for Me, and she always wanted me to eat. And I hated my mother, so I didn't want to make her happy, so I didn't eat. And that was a control thing. So anorexia is so much of a control thing. When you can't control what's going on in your life, you control your food.
And then later, I got really, really sick when I hit 50. A whole bunch of things happened in my life, and I couldn't cope. And once again, anorexia is a coping mechanism when you can't cope with life again. It's something you can control. It's something that helps you get through things. And someone else said, it makes you feel powerful and strong and like, you're better. You're better than other people. The people that are overweight, they can't do that, but you can.
And I got so sick that I was fainting, literally. And I ended up in residential treatment, and I was in and out of day treatment and residential treatment for a while and psychiatric treatment, because I also suffer from depression and anxiety, and I just couldn't get better. Like, I was good when I was in treatment, but then when I got out, it would be the same thing again because it's the same home life again, too. So, you know, I have differences with that. But when I came into oa, I thought. I didn't even know what OA was. My therapist told me to go to oa, and I'm like, what is that? I didn't know about aao. I was very sheltered.
And she told me what it was, and I said, why would I go there? I don't eat. And she said, it's for disordered eating. And most people say that. They're like, you know, why do you go to oa? And I'm like, it's for disordered eating. It's not only for overeating. And I wish they changed the name because I'm usually the lone anorexic in the room.
It's frustrating, and. And even now, I'm kind of stepping away from oa. I've been going to less and less meetings. I don't have a sponsor. I've gone through the steps repeatedly, like, five times already. I've done step studies and stuff, and I really feel like I don't want to go through the steps again. I want to do something different, but I'm still going to meetings. And I signed up for this, like, a year ago, so I felt obligated, obligated to go, but I'm still kind of like, there's nothing else for me. You can't go into treatment if you're. If you're not severely underweight, there's nothing for you. But oa, you get the support from other people and other people understand. They're like, we understand. Even though you're under eating and we're overeating, we're doing it for the same reason again, for the coping mechanism and the control.
So thank you.
[00:54:52] Speaker J: Thank you.
[00:54:53] Speaker A: Thanks.
[00:54:56] Speaker G: 10 minutes.
[00:54:57] Speaker I: Who else?
[00:55:11] Speaker A: I did not want to talk.
Do I just push the on button?
Okay. I just walked in a few moments ago and I got very emotional because I've been here. I've been here.
I've been abstinent for seven and a half years now.
And I just. It is so sad to me that people have to.
They have to suffer like we've suffered.
I just want to say, please don't give up. Keep coming.
My world is different now. I live a different life now. I just thank God for oa. Thank God for oa.
I wish I was young and started this. I was old. I'm old. I was old when I started oa. And I so wish I had found it when I was young. And I just. It warms my heart to see younger people here when they need to be here. And that's all I have to say. I wish I came here an hour ago. I tried to. I went to another room, but I.
[00:56:26] Speaker G: Wish I was here.
[00:56:27] Speaker A: Anyways, thank you.
[00:56:33] Speaker J: All right, I'll make a quick thank you so very much for sharing and stepping up to do service. Darlene, Compulsive, overeater, anorexic, and bulimia. From Massachusetts. From Massachusetts. And by the grace of God, I haven't purged for 10 years now. And. And that's a miracle because this disease centers in my mind and tells me that I am useless. I'm no good. It's tells me why even be alive. And I have depression. I have some outside issues. So when I learned bulimia, it was the best secret, and it was my secret. And I know that I had so much control. I could identify with a lot of the shares today. And I did so many crazy things with food. After paying for it, going out to dinner. And after paying for it, I would get rid of it before I left the restaurant. I would do crazy things. My plumbing got clogged up.
The guy had to unclog the sewer, and it was like all raw sewage. So many terrible, terrible things. And I don't have to do any of those things. And it took on its own life.
Meaning it started as a coping mechanism. And whether it was a habit or it just started controlling me and I had no more choice in the matter. I had to do it. It was a habit. I needed to. And only because I came into program and I've had, I've been here for 20 years, off and on, off and on, having some recovery and then going back out and some recovery coming back out, but always knowing that the solution was my higher power and that I could get support from like minded people in these rooms. And I'm so grateful that I came, that I came back and I'm going to stay, stay, stay. That's what I'm going to do. Stay, stay, stay. So thank you very much for sharing and that's it.
[00:58:17] Speaker A: Thank you all.
It's been a wonderful meeting for me and appreciate everyone's participation.
Why don't we, why don't we close with the we version of the Serenity Program prayer?
God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Keep coming back, my friends.
