Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: There was a dining. And I remember being seated in on the booth and popping sugar cubes and not being able to stop and my mother saying, toby, stop that. Just totally like embarrassed at my behavior and me not being able to and just the shame that, like, what's wrong with me? I remember kids that I was friends with that they could talk at cafeteria and have like something in their hand and take a bite and talk and then set it down and walk away. And I'm like, oh my God, who are these people? You know, and then eat what they left.
I was athletic, so it didn't show so much on the outside, but the fear, doubt, insecurity, nutty feeling, what's wrong with me was there. And as a teenager I went to. Well, I'll tell you, after the eighth grade, I had this boyfriend.
He was just my friend, but I loved being with him. Sixth, seventh and eighth grade. But after eighth grade, my mom was like, toby, we can see you're very enamored with this young man, but we want you to focus on your studies and you're going to go off to Cobbla. I love them dearly. I guess they were paying the rent and the, you know, I mean, I was eating in their house. I listened. I knew they loved me, but I did not know how to take away those feelings. So I went off to summer camp and I became anorexic. I didn't know what that was. I just didn't know how to not feel my feelings.
So that only lasted a few months. But I was 5, 9, 145 pounds when I went off to camp. Came back 118 pounds a few weeks later. Six weeks later. My God. Anyway, that was the only time I was ever anorexic. But I know the feeling and I understand. And I went the other way, you know, binging, binging, and then biking 20 miles, binging and cross country skiing. I remember going to Weight Watchers in my town. I walked in and one of my friend's mother said, came right up to me because don't, you know, I carried it well. But I knew something's wrong with me and. And she said, you know, you have to be 10 pounds overweight to even be here.
Talk about a greeting with love and understanding. And I just went, okay. And I walked over and I was £25 over. Whatever, my whatever. But I never went back. And it's kind of a blessing that I didn't. In some ways, I suffered in silence. Went off to nursing school in Boston. Oh my God. I gained the Whatever, whatever. I had six different sizes of clothes. It was the first time I really kind of went zonkers and suffering. And then I moved to California when I was 25 years old, and I lived by myself for the first time in my life. And my disease moved in and was my abusive relationship. And somehow I found a way around the corner. And I went at 25. Oh, my God, was I judgmental? They had the slogans on the walls, and I'm like, oh, my God, these people are stupid. They can't even write in full sentences.
And I heard somebody say, I was 25 and they were really old. They were like 40.
And I heard somebody get up the first time and said that they dumpster dove in their own garbage in. In their kitchen. And I'm like, oh, my God, these are sick puppies. What am I doing here? And then the next person shared, oh, honey, I don't tumbster dive. I'm the garbage disposal. And oh, my God, this big light bulb, like, all right, that's me. I like to clean up after parties. I eat what wasn't eaten. I can't wait for people to go home after I host. I just want to eat. You know that.
But I worked that program Toby's Way, not very well for like eight months. As I said, they were old and they would mention food and I would leave and go right to the supermarket and buy my triggering food. So I thought, this isn't going to work. So my disease had me for quite a while. Fast forward. I'm 30.
Fast forward. I was now 37. I'm married, living in Jerusalem, working.
I have a baby.
I was carrying my weight pretty well. 175, athletic, suffering from the disease.
I ran it, I gave birth, and they said, you can have 500 extra calories a day if you're breastfeeding. I added like three zeros. I was in total postpartum depression. I went up to 250 for the first time in my life. Scared to death, nobody there. My husband was Israeli and his. And sorry, recording. And my phone is ringing, and I'm just turning it over because we have a new recording device. So I don't need to pay attention to that.
I ran into a nurse that I worked with, and she had lost a lot of weight. And I said, you look great. What are you doing? And she said, I go to oa and I'm like, what? There's Obey here. I went to that once and, oh, was I desperate. And I went back and I said, will you take Me to a meeting. She took me to a meeting.
I'd heard about how in San Francisco, like we'll stay away from, you know, they're like, whatever. And in this meeting in Jerusalem, I barely got there, sat down, saw to my right, the pamphlet said H O W. And I'm like, oh my God, how do I get out of here? And then right then in the meeting, which was like 40 women, they asked would all people with back to back absence stand and qualify? And like 25 women stood up and talked about how long they'd been abstinent and how much weight had come off. And I just went, I think I'm supposed to be here. And got a sponsor. £100 came off in 11 months. I worked the program, I did what my sponsor suggested, all of it, except not making a geographical move in that year. So toward the end of that year, I moved back to the States. My husband stayed in Jerusalem and my daughter and I moved back to the States, had a very amicable divorce and I raised her by myself in the Bay Area.
And I stayed abstinent for five years.
How my program fell away was a lot of oh my gosh, I'm paying for childcare during the day, I don't want to get a babysitter at night. I'm working. I got this, I can do this. I know what I'm doing. Look at me, aren't I great?
And of course you know the story. It did not work on my own. And I went out there and the weight came back on all hundred pounds. And I got into graduate school and my academic advisor was when I did, said to me one day at 250 plus pounds, I stopped weighing after 250. My pride couldn't take it. She said, toby, I don't know what's wrong with you, but you sound like an alcoholic. Because I wouldn't hand my papers in, don't you know she'd find out I was an idiot, the perfectionist, character defect. And I said, I'm not an alcoholic, but I do have a program and I need to go back to it. And I did and got a sponsor, worked the program to a deeper level than I had before, was abstinent seven years, got to graduate and walk my talk as a person in a right sized body. And now I'm going quickly. But I'm just going to tell you that after seven years, one day and I'm sponsoring and I had an amazing, lovely sponsor. But one day, standing at my sink getting ready for dinner, this voice said, I am so sick of balsamic vinegar.
And I took a bite. Not of any of my trigger foods, but just the bite. And off to the horses. I thanked my sponsor. Very polite, you know, told my sponsors it was a pleasure. I'm sorry, I can't. Ghosted my meetings. Didn't take calls, didn't make calls. You get the picture of who Toby is. And my daughter went off to college. Now my disease moved back in with me, and working, eating, feeling sorry for myself, I got back up to £250 in those years. I want to tell you how bad it was. I mean, it's ugly, my disease. And I'm not going to go describe it, because I know I'm here in a place where everybody knows exactly what that demoralizing state of being is when your disease has you. But there was a moment where I woke myself up.
I was sleeping, and in my apartment by myself, and I heard a baby crying when I woke up. And I'm like, why was there a baby in my apartment? What the heck? And then I realized it was my lungs. I had binged the night before, and I was exhaling. It's like.
And I'm like, oh, my God, Toby, you're killing yourself.
And I went back to OA and worked a program out there in the bay area, and 10 minutes. Thank you. And then now it's 2016, and I came back to Northern Maine to go to my 40th high school reunion at my top weight. But I said, I want to see everybody.
And I came, and that boy from 6th, 7th, and 8th grade, he was there. His wife of 30 years had passed away. I'd been on my own for a long time.
And he said, toby, is there a man in your life? I said, no. He said, do you want a man in your life? I said, the right man. And he said, can I have your number?
[00:10:32] Speaker B: So.
[00:10:33] Speaker A: So that man courted me at my top weight. He loved me like he did when we were kids, and he loved me until I could love myself enough to accept his proposal to marry him. And I moved back to northern Maine at my top weight, and there are no meetings up there. And I said, it's okay. I'll be all right. You know, I.
And then came the pandemic and a phone call from a fellow from San Francisco who said, toby, you know, the meetings used to go to our women's meeting. It's online. It's on Zoom. And I'm first. First feeling pissed. So pissed. What the hell is Zoom? It's a It's a Silicon Valley thing and I don't have it and I don't want it. I don't know how to find it and what is it? And I found Zoom. And I go to a San Francisco that was a once a week meeting. I found a sponsor in that meeting in July and August 31st.
Well, I started going to the meeting. I didn't ask anybody to sponsor me till August 31, 2020. And the first person who said they were available, my higher power said, ask her. And I put the food down. And I haven't picked it up since. I was not hopeful at all that the weight would come off because I was post menopausal and I'd given up any hope around the weight coming off. But I wanted the stinking thinking to shut up. And it did.
And that hasn't come back. And I heard the word surrender come into my head from somewhere, my higher power. And I said, okay, Toby, I surrender. And I said to myself, I'm going to work these steps like I've never seen them before. I came in as a new newcomer, surrendered, got a plan of eating, my action plan, worked the steps. October 15, 2020, I took the third step for the first time, really, ever, really took it and turned my will in my life over and did my fourth step, my fifth step.
You know, there is a saying on the bottom of the page in Voices of recovery on the 4th of July that says, before surrender, life is like a boxing match. And after surrender, like surfing. And I have been surfing, it's not all pretty. I'm not always up in a bikini on the surfboard with the wind in my hair and it's sunny. Some days I'm wiped out, face down, don't know where the water top is, sand in my mouth going, what the hell just happened? But my worst day abstinent is 10 times better than my best day in the food.
So grateful for the program.
And that sponsor took me through the 12 steps and then said, I've taken you as far as I can take you, Toby. And I didn't want to let her go, but she said, take it to quiet time, tell me if I'm not right. And okay. And I think it was a lesson in just, a sponsor is a sponsor. And I found another one the next day. I'd never talked to her. I'd seen her in one of the meetings that I went to. I asked her, she said, oh, I'm surprised and honored. And she's been my sponsor for three years.
I sponsor anywhere from 10 to 12 women. And I know that's a lot for people, but it is my spiritual work. It is my purpose. My higher powers made it very clear you want some work to do for the rest of your life. Toby, I'll give you some beautiful work and you'll have an amazing life.
There's 168 hours in a week and I probably spent about 30 or a little more on program. And that still leaves me because between sleeping and time with my husband and doing all the reading, not program wise. I mean, there's a lot of time. One day at a time.
I'm like a little kid. When I wake up in the morning, I'm so excited. Before my feet hit the floor, I say, I can't. You can. I'm going to let you. And let my higher power take me through five minutes. Thank you. The day, by the time I go to bed at nine at night, I'm like an old lady. I'm so tired. And I say, I hope I get another day. And you know, then I go to sleep and sleep like a baby and wake up the next day. And I'm always thrilled that I'm abstinent. So excited. I love that feeling. Even when I have nightmare dreams, I've had a few of those where I binged in my dream, my body reacts as if I ate it. I wake up feeling as if I ate that. And I'm always grateful to go, oh my God, I must be not paying full focus. Like I take it as a message to just work my program.
Yeah. I have learned to carry the message and not the person that allows me to sponsor the women that I do. My sponsor taught me how to be a head cheerleader and a witness and not tell anybody what to do. Let people work their program and people have their own higher power. I'm not it, but I do love sponsoring. And couple of things I wrote down before I finish is when I came in, I heard someone this time four years ago say, those who focus on the program, lose the weight. And those who focus on the weight, lose the program. Whoa. That was just what I needed to hear. And I weigh myself once a month. It took me 14. It took higher power 14 months to take the hundred pounds off this third time. But I don't care. I was just shocked that once a month when I got on the scale, another five pounds. Another five pounds.
It feels really good to be in a healthy, fit body and to take care of it and to love it and my husband's, you know, thrilled that I'M happy. Has never ever in four years complained about how much time I spend on program. Oh, you got a call. Oh, you got a meeting. Oh, you got a call. Oh, you got a meeting. You know, just, it's amazing. And he does all the cooking and he asks in the morning, you know, what's our protein, what's our vegetable? And he eats stuff I don't eat. But he really supports my program.
I read this a while back, three years ago, the death of me, the birth of we. And it really resonated because I didn't want to be a part of this fellowship. I wanted what you all had. But I want to do it my way. I can tell you the many chapters of my relapses coming and going in 41 years since 1983.
I'm so grateful to be a part of this fellowship. I'm so honored to be part of this fellowship. Just one among many. No rock star.
Just grateful, grateful, grateful. For zoom.
I spend half the year in Maine, half the year in Florida. I'm on my way to Florida after the conference. So I left Maine. My husband will fly down after hunting season. I won't go there.
But yeah, time wise, I think 18.
[00:18:11] Speaker B: Yeah. Two minutes.
[00:18:13] Speaker A: Two minutes. I'll ask my higher power if there's anything else to share with you.
I'll tell you. I use every tool every day in my mind. When I get up and do quiet time and read the readers and have the space to myself, I, in my mind put the tools in my tool belt. It matches my shirt every day. Today you can't see it, but my tool belt is gray, heather gray. And you know, I'm not talking perfect. I'm just saying I. I use every tool every day because that is what I did when I came back four years ago and I thought, this works. I'm going to keep doing it.
I My plan of eating that my higher power has given to me the three different times I've had abstinence is the same plan of eating that I got when I was 38, when my sponsor gave it three meals a day, nothing in between. I weigh and measure, except when I go out. I don't carry my scale. I know what a healthy, moderate meal is at this time. But I weigh and measure. It doesn't feel restricted to me.
And I feel great freedom. The scale is like the hand of my higher power. And food doesn't talk to me in between those. I feel like I pull up like a Ferrari for a pit stop for my meals. My behaviors are the same as when I first came in. I'm always sitting down. I have utensils. I don't eat standing up. I don't lick my fingers, I don't lick the spoon. I don't eat in front of the tv. There's no food in my bedroom. Those basics have really, they were there. And when I came up and turned my will over, my higher power said, yep, I gave you those for a reason when you were 38. And I'm glad you're following it now. So thank you so much for coming and being in this workshop with me.
Are you Ed? Wonderful. I'm happy to bring Ed up.
[00:20:30] Speaker C: Thank you.
My name's Ed. I'm a compulsive overeater.
And I don't want to forget it because the day I forget it today, go back.
I don't know where to start. I'll start in the beginning.
I was born in the Bronx, lived in the Bronx, ate in the Bronx, went to school in the Bronx.
I didn't learn how to. I didn't learn anything in school.
I came out of school, I couldn't read. Graduating high school, they pushed me right through because I was quiet in school.
I don't know. I had a normal childhood. I had a brother that beat me up, brother that was smarter than me.
Parents lived to me, listened to me, they loved me, protected me.
And I ate. I ate from the time I was born till almost my, I think my first 40th birthday.
My top weight was 365.
I didn't get there all at one time, little by little.
My mother used to complain that she had to go to, in those days, Barney's. And I went to different places to buy big men's shops. My mother used to say, if my friends can go to Kid Alexander's and pick up a suit or pair of pants, I have to go to special stores.
That was my childhood, getting beat up. And I, and I used to, honestly, I used to steal food, steal candy in the supermarket, in the candy store and wherever. Didn't make a difference. I saw food, I want it.
And I worked very hard for a living even.
And with all the weight that I put on. I also smoked four packs of cigarettes a day. I was a self destructive person.
Met my wife, I lost some weight. Then you gain, you know. I didn't gain £365 at one time. It was down, up, up, down, up, up, up.
And I got married.
My brother in law didn't like me to sit in certain seats because I broke Them I.
You know, when I think about where I come from, I have pictures, but I left them upstairs because I got late and I had to come down here.
I got a job. And As a teenager, 15, 16, 17 years old, I worked up in the mountains up in Borsch Belt.
And food was plentiful, and I was able to eat as much as I wanted and get as much as I could. And I kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger.
Anyhow, when I graduated high school, I went off to college, went off to community college. And they told me that I better do something else because I couldn't really do the work. And I didn't. I left and I got a job. And what did I get a job doing?
I drove a truck because that's all I could really do because I really couldn't read. And I held. I hid the fact that I was illiterate and I ate over being illiterate. Why can't I? And this and that. And then I got married.
And at 36, 37, I started having pains in my chest.
And one day I went to the doctor and he called my wife. And I had two children at the time. And I called my wife and says to me, bring Eddie some clothes. We're going to the hospital. I had to go to St. Francis Hospital in Long island for two things, my heart and my breathing.
You know, when you smoke four packs of Lucky Strike and Pall Mall and Camels, it takes a toll on you. I walked around with a wheeze, like, real loud.
And I was there 21 days.
That's where I learned how to go to program.
Not the first time I went out and I followed the. What the dietitian gave me to eat. And then I went to visit my brother someplace. He was in Utah at the time. And then I came back and I started eating again, and I started eating again, and I wound up back with the same symptoms, except I wasn't smoking.
I was just eating.
And I got up to 365 and I went back into the hospital the same thing.
That's where I learned about over is anonymous.
I don't know if it was. It was the nurse. It was the.
It was. I think my mother's friend's daughter was in oa and they told me about it. And I went to my first OA meeting at.
@ a church. I'm a Jewish kid, went to church every Wednesday. We went, and I became. And I don't want to say this is what they told me. I was like a superstar because I went from £365 down to £200. Just where I'm out, just about now, where I'm at now, within about eight months, nine months.
In those days. I came in and I follow what they called the gray sheet. Only we didn't call it the gray. We called, I think we called it the gray sheet in those days too because it was put on gray paper.
And I followed it and I weighed and I mentioned it and I was abstinent for approximately five and a half years.
Weighing and weighing and measuring my food in the house, a course and then eating out. And then I was speaking all over, all over New York. I spoke in all meetings. I was keynote speaker once up at the Concord, I was, they sent me out to Minnesota, Minneapolis, Minnesota, I think as a keynote speaker. I had to speak there for three days and my head got really big and then I start to dabble, you know, a little bit of this, you know, I can have it. Look how I'm skinny and I'm holding my weight off and I'm not eating. I pick up another piece of candy or, or whatever. Didn't make a difference. Stop weighing my food. I stopped eating. Just eating and, and rationalizing every bite. It's not so bad. It's not so bad.
And I was suffering.
That was like between, that was six and a half years.
I went off to a rehab in Florida because I gained back some of the, a good portion of the weight.
I went to rehab in Washington and in Florida, in Daytona someplace in Daytona Hospital.
When I came back, I was there. It was a 28 day program. I was there for 45 days. I came back and maybe an hour or two, as soon as I hit my apartment with my parents and my children and my wife, I started eating again. And that continued for three and a half years.
Eating and eating and eating until I said, this is crazy.
My birthday is May 8th.
That was May 8th, 1992.
I decided I got to stop.
And what I did was I. And I never stopped going to away. I went to oa, I got a sponsor and I just stopped eating the carbs and the sugars and drinking a lot of water and just not worrying.
And I just continued to eat.
I wasn't eating the sugars and the starches and all that other stuff. And then I read in the Big Book where an alcoholic, once he takes a drink, he loses control.
My drink is not alcohol. My drink is sugars and starches.
And I had to learn to put down all the sugars and all the Starches. And I went back to the original food plan from over. It is anonymous, which I still have.
And I weigh and measure my food.
I take responsibility for my food.
I report to my sponsor every day, either a text or I call them what I'm going to have, not just a piece of such and such but it's how much does it weigh?
And I use my scale. I take my score scale here, I take my scale to a restaurant. I don't know the size and I know this, that if I make a mistake, I mean if I make a mistake I can tell my sponsor.
And I have now in 08 over 31 years of abstinence.
It's not easy.
It's not easy. I stay around most of the time with like minded people.
In the beginning it was a little awkward to go to a restaurant and pull out my scale and my cup. But if I want to keep what I have here, that's what I have to do because I, I'm 82 years old, going to be 83 in May.
I don't know the difference between one ounce and one pound.
I don't and that's the truth. My food is written down. It's, it's, it's, it's told to my sponsor. If I have to make a food change, I call somebody up in program and tell them I have to make a food change because of this, not because I just want to win because I don't know the difference. And I know I rationalized to gain back a lot of weight.
So I'm maintaining now about 170 pounds. I weighed myself till the first of last month was, I was 191, 192 pounds. I don't know what I am now because I don't weigh myself until the first of the month.
And if people think it's strange, it's fine. Whatever works for you, works for you. I know what works for me and I'm not deviating. It was at 82 years old and I have a pacemaker, defibrillator. I have it, but I don't even know. All I know is this. I had, I think I changed my battery three times this year. I had, they took out a kidney, half of my kidney. I had cancer. I had a few other things that had to reroute my wires in my pacemaker. I could have eaten £100 worth.
I turned it over to my higher power.
I was supposed to go. I have a place in Florida also. I can't wait to get down there. I had Three good friends that. I mean good friends that if I told I killed somebody, they wouldn't say anything.
I buried them all.
I don't have friends up in New York, really. I have acquaintances. I have people in Florida call me up. When are you coming down, Ed? When are you coming down? We miss you here. I can be in Florida for 10 years. Nobody's going to call me from here and say, we miss me.
My life is right now is my wife, my program, and. And that's the best I can do now when I get down to Florida, it's another life. It's 3:00 at the pool or at the card table or at a show or going shopping because that's the things I have to do. And I have to do it for myself and I do it for my wife. Not because I have to, but because I love to. And we have our arguments. My wife is in program. Many of you know who my wife is.
And I don't know how she tolerates me because I couldn't tolerate me.
All I know is the answer to my happiness is not in a refrigerator.
It's just not. It's going to meetings, it's talking on the phone, having a connection with people. And now we have. I call it the Hollywood Squares. You guys call it something else. I go on about three meetings, four meetings a week.
Not because I really want to, but because I really have to. I have to stay in touch with people who can understand that when I tell them I'm having a hard time and I want to eat, they don't say, so go ahead, have a piece of this or a piece of that.
My people that I get in touch with understanding because we're all compulsive eaters and we're addicts. I am a food addict and I thank God I'm a food addict because if I wasn't a food addict, I would have been an alcoholic. Maybe smoking. I don't smoke.
I haven't spoken now since I was 38 years old. And you know what? I still still want to smoke a cigarette every once in a while. I still have the thought of having a piece of this or a piece of that.
It's not going to leave me.
That's my makeup. I was a fat kid and I still eat because I feel less than sometimes, because that's what I grew up. I grew up really. Friendliness, friendless. I mean, my community, where I used to live in the Bronx, whatever you want to call it, our friends. I was on the outside. They let Me hang out there, but I was never part of the group. I hung out with them.
Now I have friends that I can go to and say I have a problem. Can you help me? Not laugh at me.
That's what I need to get through. And if I live a year, a day, 10 years, I don't know. It's in God's hands.
They found out about the kidney accidentally.
If I didn't have it be dead today, I don't know if I'd be dead. But I still have it. They had to take it. It was cancer. Cancer spreads.
I'm grateful for today.
The food that I plan to have here ain't happening. It didn't happen, okay? I had backup. I go with backup wherever I go. I always have an extra something. If I need more protein, I can go out to the car and get it and fill in. I don't eat less than and I don't eat more than because my head will play games with me.
And I only speak for me. And my opinion is my opinion. It doesn't have to be yours, but whatever works for you works. And I don't say to you, you should do this and you should do that. You want what I have, you do what I do. And that's what I was taught in program.
And that's where my friends are today, in program, even down in Florida. I have program friends in Florida.
So I want to say thank everybody and like to hear from you guys, because I'm not the end all, be all. And you work the program the best way you can. And if you're doing it the best you can, that's all anybody can ask of you. Thank you all.
[00:38:27] Speaker A: This workshop will end at 2:15 and for the rest of our time in here, we'll hear three minute pitches from the floor. The timer, Kathleen, will signal you when you have one minute left.
Three minutes. Yes. If you'd like to share, please come to the front of the room. We remind you that this session is being recorded and your sharing demonstrates your consent to be recorded. If you wish to remain anonymous, please use a fictitious name or choose not to share. Please say where you're from, how long you've been in oa, but devote your share to your OA experience, strength and hope on the topic, which is recovery after relapse meetings. Open for sharing.
[00:39:29] Speaker D: I won't change my mind.
I'm Rebecca. I'm a grateful, recovering compulsive.
I came to the convention this weekend.
I'm not well. I'm suffering. I mean, I don't want to talk about that. But the point is, because I'm suffering, I need to be here. I didn't think I could come because I didn't think I'd be able to drive myself here. I had a series of events happen in my life in the past month that I just. I can't believe. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone almost. And the last thing that just happened is that my partner of 11 years broke up with me.
And I'm just back from another relapse. You know, I'm about 140 days sober, and I'd like to hold on to it.
So, you know, I was. And I had a cold and I had a concussion and I had a bumped leg, and he broke up with me, but I stayed obstinate. And the difference this time, I think, because I've been in program for 26 years.
I've been coming to these conventions for a long time, and I never could get it. I would just go home because I always wanted to do it different. I wanted to do something, something different. I wanted to learn how to eat healthy food 80% of the time. But, you know, my doctor even told me to try that 8020 lifestyle.
I wanted to try, you know, I wanted to try everything. And so I would come to program, I would get abstinent for a while. I would leave. I sometimes stayed around even though I was in abstinence. Like, I've been in and out, in and out, in and out. And Covid changed my life too, because one day I woke up and said, hey, I think meetings are online now. And now I go to sometimes three meetings a day because that's how sick I am, you know, And I can't live my life without you guys. I just can't. So even though I was in such shock and grief this week, and I didn't even feel like I could hold my body up, you know, from. From the separation.
I drove myself here from Montreal.
I called members all the way here. My throat is tired from talking so much because I need you so badly. Because I don't. I can't have another relapse. I don't have another effing relapse in me, you know, it's just insane.
I also learned this week that, you know, I've been. Because I can't lose weight anymore. I've played with my body so much that the weight and menopause and. Toby, I related to you so much.
But I learned this week in my suffering. I'll stop that. I Can lose weight because I hardly ate anything this week. And so. So it tells me that even though I'm obstinate, maybe I'm still eating too much. Anyways, I'm really grateful to be here and thank you.
[00:42:53] Speaker B: I don't know. I'm very short. Hi, I'm Marlene. I'm from Cape Cod, Massachusetts. I'm grateful to be here. Closer.
[00:43:01] Speaker E: Yeah.
[00:43:02] Speaker B: They always tell me to speak louder. This is it.
I've been in program 35 years.
I had many relapses. Brushing crumbs off me when I went to a meeting.
I was wearing my disease of £311.
The last 17 years, I've been abstinent. And it's such a gift. I don't want to give it up. I've had two breaks that I'm a sleepwalker, so I have to gate myself in my room. I actually ate at night, made myself a cup of tea and had all the evidence there. I'm like, did you eat that? To my husband or did you. No, it was me twice. And I left the evidence so I can eat in my sleep, you know, So I lock myself so I don't go down the stairs or I don't eat. Because I think the next thing is I may be driving off, you know, But I've always been a sleepwalker. It's just something weird with me. But the part program has really saved me.
I couldn't carry that kind of weight around anymore. When I first came in, I was bulimic.
The first meeting I stopped, it just was a miracle. I didn't think I could ever stop. The first meeting I went to, I was bulimic 35 years ago. Wretched bulimic every day. Shame.
First meeting. I'm not bulimic anymore. I'm never been bulimic again. That was a gift. Enough. You know, I said, I've been 311. I went to anorexia at 83 pounds. So I'm gonna. I would like to lose another 15 to make 200, but what's the point, you know, if I do that, then I want another 15. I'm happy where I am. My doctor is. And I'm grateful that I have people that understand this disease because, you know, it's just the foods around us. You can put down the other stuff. Stuff. But the foods around you all day at night, you know. And thank you all for listening.
[00:45:05] Speaker F: Hi, everyone. Nathaniel. Grateful overeater, sugar addict, emotional eater under eater. Many, many things. So this year is my third year in program, and I Want to thank you and Ed for stuff that you guys said that really helped me because I came this weekend because I wanted to know, am I in relapse?
It's funny, but I didn't. I don't really know. I didn't really know. I'm finding my answer now because I got diagnosed with severe ibs, and my nutritionist and my dietitian gave me this very restrictive food plan, and they both said, sugar is not irritating.
So I think my disease said, you know, slowly. It's very subtle, but I think slowly, my disease kind of said, well, we have so much restriction, you know, maybe we could let sugar in again, you know? So I kind of did that.
So my answer so far with this beautiful convention that we have is, I think I am in relapse. But at least I'm here now to kind of start fresh and one day at a time and kind of figure out the food plan.
And, yeah, just stop believing all the lies, I guess that my disease tells me and I really. Something I really liked, I wrote down. I think it was you. I'm not sure my worst day in program is still better than my best day in the food or in relapse, right? And I'm like, wow, that's so true. So just for that, just that even it's worth it, you know, just feeling so much better and leading a better life. So, yeah, I'm really happy to be here, and I wanted to kind of say it out loud, I guess, and start fresh and really happy to.
For the great speakers that we had.
[00:47:25] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:47:31] Speaker G: I'm Cindy Compulsory from New Hampshire, and I've been in program for 24 years. I've never left, but I did have a significant relapse years ago. And what I'm realizing as I don't weigh myself very often, like, there could be months that go by, but I weighed myself recently, and I was like, oh, shit.
Like, I'm creeping back up to my highest weight, which I'm not really sure what that was.
And clothes aren't fitting, and my body is not what it used to be. And so right now it's like, oh, what's the easiest food to eat? I'm a teacher. I don't leave my desk when I eat my lunch, and I see people walking around the building, and I'm like, that's a really good idea. My husband is really regimented. Like, he exercises and does his stretches, and I'm like, you're like, my power of example. But I still sit on the couch and do Nothing.
And this convention has been great. I just, I drove, I'm like 40 minutes from here, so I just drove here today. And this, this workshop has been super helpful to remind me that I used to do the phone calls, this the, you know, reaching out on the phone to my sponsor, which I don't do anymore.
And all those things that they say.
[00:49:03] Speaker D: This can help, this can help.
[00:49:04] Speaker G: And I keep getting messages of okay, you need to do it now, you really need to do it. And I actually got somebody made these. Awareness accepted action is like one of the things I say all the time.
And now I just need to accept and I need to take some action so I can feel a little bit better physically about myself and, and keep moving forward with where I want to be in the future.
[00:49:39] Speaker H: Thanks.
[00:49:49] Speaker E: Every year I have to bring the microphone down just a little more.
What's going on with that? I'm Anna and I'm reader Equal opportunity Anakin. I'm so happy to be here. I am getting just what I need because my mind is open and I am willing and thank you so much to everyone that spoke and to the two speakers. I actually felt the humility oozing out of both of you in. It was wonderful. The humility means a lot to me because you know, it's not easy to be humble, as you well know, you know, self centered.
But one thing that you said was my scale is like the hand of my higher power. And I thought about that, you know, because I had, you know, I have gone back and forth with the scale through the years and I like the way you worded that very much. And you know, at one point I was down over £90.
Now I'm only down between 25 and 30 and I have had about half a dozen relapses in my recovery. But right now I'm doing very well. Thank you God and all of you. And it's one day at a time.
So I'll continue to live the miracle.
[00:51:23] Speaker I: That's it.
[00:51:24] Speaker E: Thanks.
[00:51:30] Speaker A: We have five more minutes.
[00:51:47] Speaker H: Hi, I'm Lisa. I'm a compulsive reader. I'm from upstate New York and I've been in program for 29 years and I've been in relapse for 21 and that's the first time I've said that to a group. I just realized it today.
So I'm here, here and I'm excited and I need to get a sponsor and I need to use the tools and I really appreciate everyone being here.
[00:52:20] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:52:25] Speaker I: Hi, I'm Megan. I'M a compulsive overeater.
[00:52:29] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:52:30] Speaker I: And I've been in OA 40, I don't know, 47 or 48 years since 1970.
And I relapsed 1,355 times.
That was a calculated. It took me 14 years to get abstinent. For 11 years, I was binging in the program.
And then in the 12th year, I binged every month, once a month. And the 13th year, I binged four times a year, like the stock market quarterly binge. And then in the 14th year, I binged twice, and that was it.
And yeah, painful. Painful to remember.
And the reason I'm saying that is because I have tremendous perseverance. But each of those times I felt like a terrible failure, like such a bad person and a failure. And I would never be successful and lose. I lost 60 pounds.
[00:53:39] Speaker A: And.
[00:53:42] Speaker I: I just give all of us a lot of credit. It just took a long time to release my, you know, comfort crutch. The thing that kept me safe. That's how I felt.
Kept me safe. The food kept me safe. Feeling that it was very hard to give it up. And I had to change to create my own safety.
Instead of being a people pleaser, I speak up, so that creates safety for me.
And if I can't speak up, I leave.
Yeah. One friend once told me, never underestimate the power of running away.
[00:54:27] Speaker A: Thank you.
One minute. Burning desire.
[00:54:45] Speaker J: Hi, I'm Debbie, a compulsive, overeater food addict and all of it. And I thank you very much for your lovely share and Fred as well. It's really brought me back to, you know, why I'm even here. I wasn't coming. I had no interest in coming. I had a woman that was speaking today and she said, she encouraged me, but said, you don't need to go.
[00:55:04] Speaker A: And I said, yeah, I don't.
[00:55:05] Speaker J: That said I was going to just stay on the couch and somehow I got this little God produce, you know, just kind of pushed me off the couch. I'm like, well, maybe I'll put some clothes on. So I did.
Didn't do much else and put on some sneakers and just kind of got in my car and started driving about an hour or so and I'm here. And I'm so grateful that I'm actually here because I've been in relapse for. Well, I started in 1980 and I only put together one year of abstinence. And I got really thin and I thought I was born this way then. And of course I wasn't, but I was convinced. And the humility that I'm hearing and what I need to do is quite evident after spending this day here with you all. So I want to thank you. I'm admitting I'm one of us, and I'm really looking forward to just putting one foot in front of the other and just moving forward. So thanks.
[00:56:05] Speaker A: It.
