2023 Friday Night Keynote

[00:00:02] Speaker A: Oh, we're. We're here. Yeah, we're like the actual. We're done. The. We're done. The. We're getting to the main event here. Okay. Well, without further ado, I would like to introduce you to our keynote speaker for this evening, Amy from New York, who will speak for 35 minutes. [00:00:36] Speaker B: Thank you, Sandy. Okay. Hi. Hi. She's going to do a thing. She's going to do a thing. Thank you for your patience. Can you hear me? Thank you. Thank you. Hi, my name is Amy B. I'm a compulsive overeater. Welcome home. Welcome home. As Karen and Chuck said, and it is so great to be back here in person with everybody tonight. I want to thank, first of all, Karen and Chuck and the whole convention committee, everybody doing service. Thank you so much for your work. I want to thank the Region VI board and trustees for your work in region and all of that. It's what keeps us all together. I want to thank Sandy and Lauren, the tech team. Shout out tech team. Katie B. For timing. Thank you, my friend, and thank you, everybody, for being here. Everybody who I've ever been at a meeting with, everybody I've ever seen on a zoom square, and everybody that I don't know yet, because we are family that hasn't met yet, and we're all home together. We have a common problem and a common solution. That's what we're told, so. Oh. Oh, photos are up. Okay. Ha ha. All right. So I'm gonna qualify really quickly about the physical piece of what it was like. And in the middle, there is a graph. And what it is, is it's a graphical representation of my weight for the 25 years of my life before I came into the rooms of OA. Came in in my mid-40s, so my whole adult life, basically. And if you're listening and can't see, it's a red line that goes pretty much straight down and straight up and straight down. And these are swings of over £100 or more. And the photos that surround it, some of them might look like after photos, but all of those are before photos. My disease expressed itself in multiple ways. It expressed itself on one side of the extreme physical disordered food behavior, which is to say binge eating and overeating and gorging myself at an incredibly rapid rate, hurting myself with food. And it also expressed itself. And like all the photos from those times are blurry or out of focus, they're in the back because I avoided photos where I destroyed them or I hid behind people and the other side of the disease, the way that it expressed itself, was in severe restriction and over exercising. And I have a lot more photos from that side of the disease, but I was no less sick, I was in no less pain, and I was hurting myself with food and food behaviors. It might not have looked like it, but those are all before photos. And that graph is titled A Powerless and Unmanageable Life. Because that's what that was. I couldn't stop once I started, and I couldn't stay stopped in either direction. Thank you. And that's what it was like before in the physical sense. It wasn't the physical before that got me into the rooms, though. It was the unmanageable life part. And I had gone to see a therapist, and because my life was falling apart, and I sat on her couch and I cried. And at the end, very near the end of the session, I said, like, almost as an aside to her, oh, by the way. And I was over 300 pounds again on her couch, sitting there for the whatever, fifth time. And at the end of the session, I said, oh, by the way, I've gained and lost over 100 pounds multiple times. And I can't believe I have to do it again. Can't believe I have to do it again. And she looked at me and she said, oh, you need oa. And I went a bit, and I had no fight left in me. And my exact words to her were, look, I am desperate and I will try anything, but I'll tell you right now, I'm going to have a problem with the gun God thing. And she said, okay, go to a meeting. See how it is. And took me about a month. So that's what it was like before physically and what it was like before emotionally, mentally, spiritually disconnected. And we talk about, welcome home and welcome to oa. Welcome home. And I have come to identify the way that I felt before I got here as homesick. Like, in a larger sense, the feeling of being on the other side of a glass. And like, everybody who loves me is there, but I can't touch it, I can't feel it. And I don't know why, because I have a spiritual malady that expresses itself with a physical addiction and a mental twist. So therapists said, you need oa. Problem with the God thing took me about a month. Finally went to a meeting. The meeting was about six minutes from my house. And I walked in and it was in a building of a religion other than the one I grew up with. But I will be honest with you had it the religion that I grew up with, I would have been no more at ease. That was just my experience. But I walked in and the woman up at the front was telling a story that didn't really sound like mine. The way she acted out with food wasn't really the way I acted out with food. And her spiritual identity wasn't really anything I could identify with and her upbringing and her whole story. And I just sat there sort of feeling sad because, like, this was supposed to be the last house on the block. And I didn't feel. I still felt homesick and alone. And as I was trying to leave, this very lovely woman grabbed my wrist gently, gently, and said, why don't you take my number and I'll take yours. And if you have any questions, you could call me. And I would have cut off my arm to get out of that room. So I gave her my number and I took occurs and I was crying before I got to my car and I drove home and I had what has turned out to be my last non abstinent meal. And I did not know that at the time. And I will tell you, it was the lousiest farewell tour ever. It was like my kids frozen stuff, like, with no thought, because even with that, I was exhausted. Even with that, nothing did it anymore. So whatever, I didn't know that. The next day I woke up and the first thought on my mind, I went to sleep crying. And when I woke up the next day, the first thought on my mind was, that woman was so nice to me last night. And I picked up my phone and I texted her, thank you for being so nice to me last night with no intention of ever going back to a meeting. And she texted back words that saved my life, which were, not every meeting is for every person. Why don't you go check out another one? You might hear your story. I went to another meeting that night. There was a woman up the front telling a story that sounded like mine. And this was pre pani. It was really funny. There was. The leader and the speaker were up at a front table. And I just started crying as she's talking, just copiously weeping. And the leader saw me and like, nudged her and like, with her chin in my direction ever so slightly, as if to say, you got one? She did, she did. She had one. And I cried out, I need help. And oh, here's a quick one for someone who didn't believe in the God thing. And now, spoiler alert, no problem with the God thing. Didn't look the way that I thought it would. But no problem. I get to choose my own conception in this program. So. And one of the things that I love, one of the things that I love is that my higher power finds ways to get my attention that are personal to me. So I realized that that day, that first meeting, was May 1, 2018. And May 1 is a holiday, which is May Day. And a May day is a cry for help. Isn't that cool? Anyway, so then I went and I said, I need help. And I found a sponsor, and I didn't have a big book yet. And she sent me, via text a photo of that day for today. And I diagrammed it in this notebook like an English assignment, because I was going to get a gold star in recovery. And I went for a walk. This was a few days later. It was a few days later, and I went for a walk. And I was listening to a song, and the song was not a duet, and it was not a conversation. There was only one voice. And yet in the song, I somehow heard a conversation between me and a loving higher power wherein I was saying, I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. And my loving higher power was saying, I know. I see you, and I'm here. And I just started crying. And I was going to say I ran home, but I was over £300, so I walked really fast, as fast as I could home, and I grabbed this notebook and I started writing about the force of love and the force of the universe and time with a capital T and opportunity with a capital O, and love with a capital L and the force and the force. And then I go to date the page. It was May 4th. Where are my Gen X kids at? May the 4th be with you? May the force be with you. And I wrote down right here at the top of that page, may the fourth, the force. Okay, I hear you. And that's what happened in terms of the God thing. But that was only one of the things that kept me out. And I don't even know what that says. Oh, gosh. Okay. Thank you. That was only one of the things that gave me pause in coming into the rooms, because while I needed this desperately and I said I needed help, I was defiant, and I knew better. I knew how to lose weight. I knew how to lose weight. Come on. What are you going to tell me? And I didn't like the big book. I didn't like the perspective. I didn't like that the characters. Characters, the people in it didn't look like me. Feel like me, talk like me. And I didn't like it at all. And I really didn't like the word defect. That really, really bothered me a lot. But just like with the God thing, I got a miracle on that too. Later on, working with Esponsi, a really enthusiastic, awesome sponsi, she was defining all the words, like in her sixth step and at the top of it, she defines the word defect. And defect as a noun is a shortcoming, an imperfection or a lack, which was the definition that I didn't really like. But then she noted that defect is also a verb. And to defect means to abandon one's home country or cause for an opposing one. Not defective. Defecting. I was defecting from my home cause of course I was homesick, of course I felt homesick. I was running away from my home cause I was defecting in fear which sprung delusions which led to selfish and self seeking actions. And thankfully the steps of the Big Book showed me that. And abstinence also, I forgot to say I got entirely abstinence right at the beginning. I understood that I was powerless really, really quickly. And it says in the Big Book, in the doctor's opinion, on page XXX in the Roman numerals, it says the only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence. And I will tell you that that has been my experience, that entire abstinence has been a relief, hasn't been a punishment, hasn't been a prison before. Before was the prison. Entire abstinence has been a relief. And that really helped to get me there when I was defiant on the Big Book. But God works in mysterious ways. And by the way, like I can now say the word God with my full chest, but I didn't for a long time. And that's cool. Like that is very, very cool. We get to choose our own conception and we come to it however we want and we believe or we don't believe. And it can still work for us. This program can still work for us. We have a common problem and a common solution in the steps of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and a higher power. So defecting. Oh, I don't know how much time I have. Oh great, thank you. So I started. I didn't like the Big Book at first, but I did get the fellowship thing and I did get the service thing. And that kept me in the rooms and it kept me connected and it kept me listening. I was going to say with an open mind, but that's not entirely true, not at first. And I know there Are people in the room who were there and can bear witness to quite how much I did not like it. And I have kept the copy of the big book that I had at the time where when I went through. Oh, man, I went through it. And I have these. I don't like this. I don't. I don't. These people are. I promised Chuck I wouldn't curse, but there was. There were some. There was some language in what I wrote on what I didn't like about what they said in the book. And I threw and I said, and I have that book and I've kept it. And I send photos sometimes to like, sponsees because I love the big book. I love it. I was taken through it by somebody who, like me, was a little suspicious at first and helped me to set aside my fixed ideas for a new experience. And that was really cool. And that's really all it takes is that little bit of willingness, whether it comes to the God thing or looking at these words and phrases. And so, yeah, my higher power comes to me through language a lot and words and little things like dates and stuff. And I love the fact that my higher power bends over backwards to get my attention. Another word that I really like and have come to understand in a different way in this program is the word recovered. And I will say that I am living in a recovered state for today. One day at a time. Oh, it has been five years, five months and 11 days of abstinence. One day at a time. Thank you. But it's one day at a time. I say that figure as testimony that this program can work over a period of time. And also, it's day one. It is always day one. This program is one day at a time. I cannot stay clean on yesterday's shower. I cannot stay abstinent on yesterday's food plan or activities. One day at a time. But one day at a time adds up. And there has been physical recovery as well. And it's to the tune of £130. And one day at a time. Because I am this close to right. Right back there. Right back there. This disease is permanent, progressive and fatal. That's what it says in the big Book. And I don't know if you saw in the graph, but at the very end that I was trying. I was trying so hard to get it back. I had always. I'd always been able to. I can lose weight. I know how to lose weight. And it was harder than it had been before and it hurt more. And I couldn't do it and I was scared. Permanent, progressive and fatal. So, okay, recovered. I will use the word recovered. And if you don't want to, that's cool. I use the word recovered. It's in the Big book. I live in a recovered state. From the Food for today, One day at a time. Two definitions of recovered as well. There's the definition of recovered, which is to say to heal from illness or injury. And that's I think, what we think of. And I don't think I'm cured, but to heal from illness or injury. And the other definition of recovered is something that is found after having been lost. Something that is found after having been lost is recovered. I was lost. I was defecting from my home cause. And I was homesick and I was lost and I found 12 steps and I found. This book says it will enable me to find a power greater than myself. That's what it says in I think it's We Agnostics, page 45. Anyway, that's what this book is about. It will enable you to find a power greater than yourself that will solve your problem. Enable me to find. It will give me the tools to seek something greater than myself. To look outside my own fear, to look outside, like the direction that I always ran away, to look for a new direction, something greater than my self. So I like that definition of recovered too. And recently I was meditating on the idea of trusting and rely and depending on a higher power because I can believe all I like. But sometimes I'm agnostic in those last inches, you know, like, I know that I believe there's a higher power. I believe that I can, for me, seek to align with that and whatever that means to me and how I practice it. But the relying, the trusting that it will take care of me, I struggle with that still. One day at a time. You know, I'm like it says in the Big Book, we're not saints. I'm not a state, I'm not a saint. The point is I'm willing to grow along spiritual lines. That's something too. I used to look at that we're not saints and be like, we're not saints, we're not saints. We're not saints, we're not saints. But that's not the point. Big Book doesn't say that's the point. It says we're not saints. But the point is we're willing to grow along spiritual lines. So anyway, I was thinking about that and the word relay and rely comes from this is cool. Go with me if you will. Relegare and ligare means to bind and re means with excessive force. So to bind with excessive force is to rely on something. And then as it went through the French, it became to bind together, to bring together, to bind together. The idea of relying on a higher power to bind together with a higher power. And then the original sense of that word was to gather together like we all do. And gather together turned into turn to associate with, which then became depend upon with confidence. So like we start with gathering with coming together. And that is how I don't want to say that I've learned, because I've been given all of this. I've been given one of the cool things. So I came into the rooms in May and Region 6 convention is in October, and they were already talking about in the whole meeting that I was in, and I was brand new and I would where it was that year, it was in Maine and I had to book a plane ticket and I was like brand new and I didn't really know anyone and I booked a ticket and I went. And of course, by the time I went, I had a whole bunch of OA friends and it was wonderful. And we all sat together. But I did the raffle and I never won anything. And I won a quilt that had been made for someone who had been in the rooms. And that quilt is now the backdrop of my sacred space where I sit and meditate. And I think of recovery as a quilt too, like in the rooms and hearing different pieces and different things from other people's experiences. And I love that we are a vast and varied fellowship. Not all of my family looks like me, not all of my family thinks like me. But I can listen to your ideas and I can learn and we can have spirited, respectful debate because all are welcome here. And that's what families do. Right? At the beginning, when I was writing in this notebook, one of the first things I wrote about with regards to my conception of a higher power was the ruby slippers. In terms that it was here all along. I could always go home and there was never anything stopping me. I don't think I spoke very much about the food, but I will say it did not come quickly for me. I knew entire abstinence that there was no that I don't pick up no matter what, no matter what. And that's really my bottom line. I mean, I have my red light foods, I have my food plan. But when you ask me what my bottom line abstinence is, it is I do not pick up no matter what, because I Am an addict of the type described in this book. And I can't stop once I've started, and I can't stay stopped. And it's permanent progr and fatal. I'll talk about my family of origin for a second. My dad, who I will not take his inventory. He's not in the rooms. He's a type 2 diabetic. He has had a kidney transplant, heart attack, strokes, lost several fingers, can't really see, and has lost both of his legs to type 2 diabetes. And when I read that line in the Big Book, we are like men who have lost their legs. We never grow new ones. For many of us in this disease, that is not a metaphor. Permanent, progressive and fatal. And for me, it was the last house on the block. And for someone who came in with a problem with the God thing and a lot of defiance and the idea that I know how to lose weight and what are you going to show me? I am so grateful that I was able to cry for help. Ooh, one more thing. I don't know if this is true. I don't know if this is true in terms of fact science. So don't come. But you know what? Come for me if you want. I would love to be educated, but I like it and I'm gonna keep it. And here it is. I heard that all species are born with their most important survival instinct intact. So baby giraffes can run and baby snakes can bite, baby humans can cry for help. That is our most important survival instinct. And it's why I can't do this alone. The person who sent me into the rooms. The person who held my wrist and said, take my number and I'll take yours. The person who sent me the for today who is not my sponsor for very long and also is a beautiful piece of my journey. The person who took me through the Big Book when I was finally ready to set aside my fixed ideas for a new experience. All of these people, I could not. And I can't do it without a higher power. And whether that's the collective, the higher good, the highest self, God, spirit, truth, beauty, justice, the goose that lays the golden egg. Whatever it is, I can't do it myself. And I learn that from all of you, and I don't have to do it myself. And that's the other thing. So much in this, so many considerations from the Big Book and from recovery. Could. Could you take yourself through could? I mean, it's the wrong question. Why would you want to. What will it benefit me? It won't I defect. I run away. I get scared. Spiritual malady. It's all right. And there's a solution for that. I want to close with reading something from the Big Book, which, as you can see, I got over my defiance on that. And also I want to say in this book that it says, this book is but a suggestion. We are a vast and varied fellowship. Unity with diversity. There are lots of ways to recover. There are lots of ways to believe in a higher power. There are lots of ways that this disease expresses itself. We are all welcome. We are all family. We all have a voice. That's what it says in the unity with diversity policy. The whole thing. And I encourage you to read the whole thing because it's awesome. And the traditions too. Awesome. Anyway, I'm not going to read that. I'm going to read page 27 from there is a Solution, and I'm going to jump in the middle of the story, but I think it holds up. Some of our alcoholic readers may think they can do without spiritual help. Let us tell you the rest of the conversation our friend had with his doctor. The doctor said, you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I have never seen one single case recover where that state of mind existed to the extent that it does in you. Our friend felt as though the gates of hell had closed on him with a clang. He said to the doctor, is there no exception? Yes, said the doctor, there is. Exceptions to cases such as yours have been occurring since early times here and there. Once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me, these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be. Here's the good stuff. I mean, it's all good stuff, but here's the good stuff. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding forces in the lives of these people are suddenly cast to one side and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them. The nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements and entire psychic change. That's what happens in this program through the 12 steps. That's the miracle that we talk about in the promises. Fixed ideas, ideas, emotions and attitudes which are once the guiding forces in my life. Like, nobody understands and I can't do this, and it's different for me and it's not going to work for me. And I'm all alone and I'm on the other side of the glass. And all of those things which were the dominating forces of my life. The guiding forces, it says, which were once the guiding forces in their lives, the guides, what I followed when I was defecting, all those ideas are suddenly cast to one side, set aside fixed ideas, just set aside. And by the way, set aside doesn't mean, like, drop and, like, walk away from it just means. Just means, like, move, like, move, like scooch, like, just scooch over, like half a cheek's worth to give a new idea a chance to sit down next to it. Just set aside the fixed ideas and before long, a new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate. It says in the promises that these promises will materialize if we work for them. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly materialize, atom by atom. The things that were once the guiding forces in my life were cast aside and new ideas started to dominate them. And that was all it took. And it's one day at a time. But I have a family and I have a higher power, and I truly feel like I have been welcomed home. And I hope everybody feels welcome home in a way and here and this weekend and everybody have a great time and thank you for letting me do service. Thank you, Amy, for sharing your experience, strength and hope.