2025 Body Image

[00:00:04] Speaker A: Do that. [00:00:06] Speaker B: I just turned something on, didn't I? Okay. [00:00:14] Speaker A: Just to be safe, I'm recorded on my phone. To the body image special Focus again with the serenity prayer power. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. [00:00:36] Speaker C: Wisdom to know the difference of this [00:00:39] Speaker A: one hour workshop is body image. I am Susan. I am a compulsive over ear and I am the leader for this meeting. I will have 20 minutes to speak and then we'll open the room for shares on the topic for a minute each. [00:00:53] Speaker B: Each. [00:00:53] Speaker A: This session is being recorded. We'll end at. Thank you. [00:01:00] Speaker D: Yeah, sorry. [00:01:03] Speaker A: For the rest of the time we'll hear three minute pitches from the floor. The timer. I need a timer. Hold up the one I'm. [00:01:10] Speaker D: When people are talking. [00:01:12] Speaker A: Oh, I really don't think I'm gonna go. [00:01:16] Speaker E: What is your name? [00:01:17] Speaker F: Barbara. [00:01:17] Speaker A: Thank you, Barbara. We'll signal when you have one minute left. Okay, that's for this Sharon. [00:01:23] Speaker B: The first thing I'm going to say, [00:01:26] Speaker A: I'm Susan, I'm a compulsible reader. But the first thing I'm going to start my talk is I'm going to [00:01:32] Speaker B: be talking about sexual assault. [00:01:34] Speaker A: If it is triggering for you, please consider yourself warned. [00:01:38] Speaker B: I'm going to qualify. I'm Susan. I'm a compulsive overeater and a relapse survivor. [00:01:45] Speaker A: I became abstinent immediately when I came into program. My first was no chocolate and no eating after supper. I made it all the way through the holiday season, Christmas and New Year's. I had four months of abstinence in [00:02:06] Speaker B: January I went on a trip with [00:02:07] Speaker A: my daughter with her school and I said to myself that caused just a three week relapse. [00:02:17] Speaker B: And then I had 11 years of [00:02:18] Speaker C: abstinence at a crisis of faith. [00:02:22] Speaker A: My original higher power when I came into program was a religious God. And at some point decided that I could no longer follow that religion. And so was sort of adrift without a higher power. [00:02:43] Speaker B: And shortly after that my brother died. And because of the pain that I suffered from that experience, I thought my [00:02:50] Speaker A: higher power had deserted me. [00:02:52] Speaker B: So I left program for a year, managed to stay abstinent for eight months while not working. Then I had a three month relapse. I was so devastated by the death [00:03:02] Speaker A: of my brother that I couldn't function, I couldn't work, I couldn't really do anything. And I had promised my family that [00:03:12] Speaker B: if I felt suicidal I would check [00:03:14] Speaker A: my illness on that. [00:03:16] Speaker B: So as I'm sitting in My living [00:03:17] Speaker A: room, bawling my eyes out, shoveling food into my mouth, going, why is this not working? Still want to kill myself? And then I thought, okay. [00:03:31] Speaker B: I promised them I would check myself into the hospital if I felt suicidal. [00:03:35] Speaker A: And then I thought, but if I to the hospital, somebody else is going to control my soup and I don't want to go. [00:03:43] Speaker B: So if that's the definition of a [00:03:44] Speaker A: compulsible reader, I don't know what it is, but it's certainly mine. [00:03:50] Speaker B: And last month I just celebrated seven more years of absence. [00:03:55] Speaker A: That's my qualification. [00:03:56] Speaker C: I belong in these rooms. [00:03:58] Speaker A: The image. [00:03:58] Speaker F: Yes. [00:03:59] Speaker A: Yes. And since you've come in late, just a forewarning. [00:04:03] Speaker B: I'm going to talk about sexual assault. [00:04:05] Speaker A: My story. Not in detail or anything, but I don't want to hurt anybody. So forewarned. I'm really nervous. Thank you. [00:04:15] Speaker B: Okay. I remember feeling very comfortable in my body as a child. I love baths. [00:04:21] Speaker A: Being washed with a face cloth by my parents. [00:04:25] Speaker B: Mostly my dad. [00:04:26] Speaker A: Bath fun. I used to soap up the tub and slide around. [00:04:31] Speaker B: I usually hit my head on the faucet, but I didn't care. These are great memories. I started my compulsive overeating journey when [00:04:39] Speaker A: I was around 8. [00:04:40] Speaker B: I was woken up by my parents [00:04:42] Speaker A: who were fighting and I was scared. [00:04:44] Speaker B: Somehow I knew the end was near. I went to the medicine cabinet in [00:04:49] Speaker A: the bathroom and drank cos medicine in the 60s. [00:04:52] Speaker B: Cos medicine was alcohol and sugar. [00:04:55] Speaker A: I ate all the crusty sugar around the bottle and I took a swig [00:04:59] Speaker B: and get back to sleep. [00:05:00] Speaker A: And it soothed my fear. [00:05:03] Speaker B: I was skinny and tall for my [00:05:05] Speaker A: age as a child. [00:05:06] Speaker B: Mine is. I got lots of hugs from my dad and I remember how safe I felt with my hand in his. As soon as I reached puberty, all that stopped. [00:05:16] Speaker A: No more hugs. And I didn't feel safe. [00:05:18] Speaker B: Dad stopped hugging me. I believed that the changes in my [00:05:21] Speaker A: body were the reason and that there was now something wrong with me. [00:05:24] Speaker B: At 16, I was 5 foot 6. I had to have a special pass for the bus because I was taller than the stripe on the pole. [00:05:31] Speaker A: That meant you could pay a child's fare. [00:05:33] Speaker B: Embarrassing. [00:05:34] Speaker A: And I started slouching. [00:05:36] Speaker B: At age nine, my parents separated. I lived with my mother. I remember going outside to a classical [00:05:43] Speaker A: music concert at Ontario Place and just [00:05:47] Speaker B: dancing, just slow dancing to the music. It's such a good memory. I just. [00:05:51] Speaker A: I felt so good. [00:05:53] Speaker B: And nobody said anything. Nobody was watching. It was all. So I went back and forth between [00:06:00] Speaker A: my parents several times when I lived [00:06:02] Speaker B: with my mother, I would gain weight. That was because I had more freedom [00:06:06] Speaker A: and more money from babysitting. [00:06:08] Speaker B: When I was 12, I was asked [00:06:10] Speaker A: to go to the bakery on the way home and get half a dozen donuts for my brother and my mom and I. I would get a dozen [00:06:18] Speaker B: and I would ask them to put it in two boxes so that I [00:06:21] Speaker A: could eat the first six myself and then have the last six for the three of us. I've always carried my weight in my belly. I looked pregnant and I liked it. [00:06:36] Speaker B: I wanted to be a mother so badly. I was positive I would do a much better job than my mother did. Around this time I discovered that it felt really good to run my fingers up and down my naked body. I told my best friend about it. When she told her mother she wasn't [00:06:52] Speaker A: allowed to be my friend anymore. The message was that self pleasure was bad. [00:06:57] Speaker B: I went back to live with my [00:06:58] Speaker A: dad and my stepmother and I lost weight. [00:07:01] Speaker B: Unhappy there. [00:07:03] Speaker A: But I had been lured back by [00:07:05] Speaker B: my stepmother with a promise of a [00:07:06] Speaker A: piano which I'd wanted my whole life. [00:07:08] Speaker B: It offered me accordion lessons. I burst into tears and was told [00:07:13] Speaker A: that I was ungrateful. [00:07:15] Speaker B: All my stepmother wanted was a live [00:07:16] Speaker A: in babysitter for my younger siblings. [00:07:19] Speaker B: My 15th birthday, my stepmother told my dad she has to go arrival. My mother wouldn't take me. [00:07:26] Speaker A: She was going to send me to the cis. My mother didn't love me or want me. This was not a surprise, but it still hurt. [00:07:33] Speaker B: I sinned when my mother took me back. Within a month of turning 15, I went to my first drinking party, got drunk and was raped. In the assault, I left my body [00:07:42] Speaker A: and watched from the ceiling to avoid the horrific paint. [00:07:46] Speaker B: I tried to tell my mother, but [00:07:47] Speaker A: she was not interested in me. [00:07:50] Speaker B: I was so naive that I thought that my rapist was my boyfriend. [00:07:53] Speaker A: He laughed at me. [00:07:55] Speaker B: I was humiliated. I tried to kill myself by taking a bottle of aspirin. But it didn't even make me sick. So no one knew. My reaction to the rape was to have sex with anything with three legs. Boyfriends At 17, I started dating a really nice guy who didn't immediately want [00:08:13] Speaker A: to dump my bones. He was and can sit on and off for four years. [00:08:17] Speaker B: When we were living together while he [00:08:18] Speaker A: went to university, my best friend who lived down the hall, lived down the hall. [00:08:23] Speaker B: In retrospect, I realized that I had [00:08:25] Speaker G: a crush on her. [00:08:26] Speaker B: She was so beautiful, taller than me, slender but curvy, gregarious, vivacious and kind. Abducted and repeatedly sexually assaulted. [00:08:36] Speaker A: I watched her Disappear into herself. [00:08:38] Speaker B: I was the first person to see her after she was released by a rapist. And so I was a big part [00:08:43] Speaker A: of the police investigation. [00:08:45] Speaker B: It was at this point that I adopted the mantra that said, girls, don't get raped. [00:08:50] Speaker A: Gained weight again after that 13, I [00:08:53] Speaker B: got my own car and I started [00:08:54] Speaker A: to gain even more weight because I wasn't walking anywhere. [00:08:57] Speaker B: I also got a job in an [00:08:58] Speaker A: office that had a coffee truck that came to the building twice a day. [00:09:02] Speaker B: By 22, I was very overweight and single. Since my mission was to become a mother, I went about finding a husband. After a bad breakup, I had a sexual relationship with a female friend. [00:09:13] Speaker A: It didn't end well. [00:09:16] Speaker B: I decided that since I wanted children, [00:09:18] Speaker A: I couldn't stay in the relationship. [00:09:22] Speaker B: Back in the 80s, it was virtually impossible for lesbians to have children without a man. [00:09:26] Speaker A: And it was prohibitively expensive. [00:09:29] Speaker B: I moved away from my hometown when [00:09:31] Speaker A: I was 28 and I went to OA in Ottawa. [00:09:34] Speaker B: Like so many others. My first meeting was in the basement [00:09:37] Speaker A: of a church in a kitchen. [00:09:38] Speaker B: I got a sponsor, worked the program and lost weight. I met my future husband, got pregnant and moved more than an hour away [00:09:44] Speaker A: from Ottawa where there were no meetings. So I said, thank you, oa. I have everything I ever wanted. And I left the program. Having my two children, I completely disconnected from my body. [00:09:56] Speaker B: It took me 16 years to come back to OA. I was at my top weight of over 260 pounds. I hated myself and my body. During my first 11 years of absence, I lost 75 pounds. I was comfortable with that. [00:10:10] Speaker A: Although I was still considered obese. [00:10:13] Speaker B: It was the first time in my [00:10:15] Speaker A: life that I had maintained any weight. [00:10:17] Speaker B: Polio had stopped. In 2021, I decided to cut my portions so that I could be working [00:10:23] Speaker H: towards a whole body weight. [00:10:25] Speaker B: I lost the lowest I'd been in 30 years. I started attracting attention from men and [00:10:31] Speaker A: I didn't like this. [00:10:32] Speaker B: That mantra came back into my head [00:10:34] Speaker A: and I slowly started to put weight back on. [00:10:36] Speaker B: In 2023, I had an emotional breakdown [00:10:39] Speaker A: while changing mental health meds, realized that I am a lesbian. In 2024, I ended my marriage and [00:10:47] Speaker B: for the first time in my life, [00:10:48] Speaker A: reconnected with my body. [00:10:50] Speaker B: I'm finding connecting with and listening to my higher power almost effortless. I am able and willing to make healthy food choices. [00:10:58] Speaker A: I am losing more weight. [00:10:59] Speaker B: I am trusting my higher power to help me deal with the feelings that will come up when I lose more [00:11:04] Speaker A: weight and start to attract attention. [00:11:06] Speaker B: I am no longer in bondage. To the version of myself that I created in order to avenge the lack [00:11:11] Speaker A: of love and attention I received as [00:11:14] Speaker B: a child by becoming a mother. The biggest irony of all this is that I raised my children while actively [00:11:22] Speaker A: in my disease and although I was [00:11:24] Speaker B: a better mother than mine, I was [00:11:26] Speaker A: not a great mother happy when all I could think about with food. [00:11:29] Speaker B: I'm still working on forgiving myself for [00:11:31] Speaker A: that me and spend time with me. [00:11:35] Speaker B: But they are both addicted. I use the program to deal with the guilt and pain as I watch them struggle with addiction and follow in my unhealthy footsteps. What I can hope for is that [00:11:44] Speaker A: they will eventually follow in my recovery footsteps as well. [00:11:49] Speaker B: 3 in the 0812 says our new way of life begins with a willingness to adopt a whole new attitude about weight control, body image and eating. This is where I am now. The questions I was asked to consider is how can your experience, strength and hope help other OA members? My hope is that sharing my truth will help others share their truth too, and that my recovery can be an inspiration to OA members to keep coming back and keep working the program. Step 12 of the OA 12 and 12 it says, the truth learned from the experience of thousands of OA members is that no matter how great our physical, emotional and spiritual transformation, we still aren't through. Even when we reach the goal of our healthy body weight. Even when We've worked all 12 steps to the best of our ability. Even when we've celebrated milestone anniversaries of abstinence and recovery. Even when we've been placed in positions of trust by other OA members and have rendered service to our group and survived. 12 Step invites us to continue the journey one day at a time for [00:12:52] Speaker A: the rest of our lives. [00:12:55] Speaker B: The miracle will happen. [00:12:56] Speaker A: And it will. [00:12:58] Speaker B: As the Big Book says, the promises [00:13:00] Speaker A: are being fulfilled, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly materialize if we work for them by continuing to work our 12 step program of recovery daily. So for the rest of the time we will hear three minute pitches from the floor. Barbara will signal when you have one minute left. If you would like to share, please form a line at the front of the room. [00:13:28] Speaker B: We remind you that the session is being recorded and your sharing demonstrates your [00:13:33] Speaker A: consent to be recorded. [00:13:35] Speaker B: If you wish to remain anonymous, please [00:13:38] Speaker A: use the fictitious name or do not share. Please say where you are from, how long you've been in oa, but devote [00:13:47] Speaker B: your share to your OA experience, strength [00:13:49] Speaker A: and hope on the workshop, which is fine. The meeting is open for sharing. [00:13:53] Speaker F: I'm Shari. [00:13:54] Speaker I: I'M a compulsive over. Not that I'm an alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic. [00:13:58] Speaker D: The weirdest thing [00:14:01] Speaker I: when I came to thank you that was amazing because that's not what I think of as body image. Interestingly enough, like when I think of body image, I think, how do I feel about my body when I look in the mirror? That's my problem. When I look in the mirror I see something really distorted. I think it's distorted because people tell me distorted. So I don't know what to do about that. And every time I look in the [00:14:32] Speaker A: mirror I want to see what's really there to. [00:14:36] Speaker I: To the point where I thought I could get some duct tape and wind it around my body from here to [00:14:43] Speaker A: here, then cut it off and reattach it together so I could look at [00:14:49] Speaker I: what my body looks like. [00:14:51] Speaker A: I haven't done that yet. [00:14:53] Speaker I: I am going to. Somebody told me that's going to be very, very painful. So I'm thinking about doing it now with something else like papier mache or something. But yeah, I just wanted to share that I think like I've been in the program for more than 20 years and I've been at a healthy body weight for 19 years but I don't see it. I don't see it. I don't. I hold up my clothes and I'm like, does this fit me? I'm like, yes, this fits me. It's impossible in my head. [00:15:25] Speaker G: So. [00:15:25] Speaker A: Thank you for letting me share, buddy. [00:15:27] Speaker C: I'm Liz. I'm a compulsory reader. I'm working towards the loving help. I look in the mirror, I love you but I and feeling my fat and I can, you know. You know I'm working towards a healthy body weight. I'm abstinent but that I would trust anybody to see me. I don't trust you to accept and that's something that I have to work. I know I can get there with people that are meetings and all the friends community. I'm just loving me up. [00:16:04] Speaker J: Thanks guys. [00:16:06] Speaker H: Lynn from the Kitchener area and I'm from the Kitchener area. Yeah hi. It wasn't kind of what I was expecting either but an eye opener [00:16:21] Speaker J: IBA [00:16:22] Speaker H: well I've been absent now for about. Well it's been three years and I'm at my highest weight. Was also very close and I now deal with the aftermath of what done with my body skin. Lots of things that are in places that I don't really want. I did go and check out the possibility of having a tummy tuck and When I heard the price. [00:16:44] Speaker A: Wow. [00:16:45] Speaker H: And then I realized the tummy tuck wouldn't do because I have it arm at my legs. So I have great flat tummy that would look wonderful. But found it. I still would. I came to the realization that a tummy tuck is not for me and that I just need to accept my body the way it is. [00:17:09] Speaker F: I want to say it's a badge [00:17:11] Speaker H: of my progress, but it is where I came from. And I did do this to my body and I'm trying to work on upping it for what it is. [00:17:22] Speaker C: Thank goodness for body shapers help a lot. [00:17:27] Speaker H: But at my age now I realize that happiness and joy is more important than having that perfect body. I probably would feel differently about it. My husband never cared about my weight, always accepted me for exactly no matter what weight I was at. And he's thin and can eat whatever he wants. Grateful that at least a higher power gave me that man in my life, that I get away with not being worried about what he thinks I do. I came in here with this body image. I'm still trying to accept myself for what I am. But I have to say that I do notice when I walk past a mirror, is that me? £90 down, is that me? That does bring me joy. So I am getting better with body image, but I still have politica, postal overeater. [00:18:14] Speaker K: I'm from Buffalo, New York area. [00:18:18] Speaker B: I have to learn how to accept [00:18:20] Speaker K: my body where it is. Today, when I look in the mirror, I see this big person. But if I think about myself, I [00:18:29] Speaker H: think of this very thin person. [00:18:30] Speaker K: It's really odd. [00:18:32] Speaker B: And [00:18:34] Speaker K: I have a hard time because I always feel like I'm the biggest person in the room, which is not, of course, always true. So it puts a lot of in my head. Puts a lot of. And I get disgusted, beat myself up. It's just really hard. I also have a husband who's very much. He looks at me, but I mean, like, he doesn't put me down or anything. In fact, he tells me I'm beautiful. I just, like, ignore him and get weird about it. And he's like, what are you doing? [00:19:06] Speaker B: Why? [00:19:07] Speaker K: You know, what's your problem? You know? But I've been really trying to read our book, the body image book. And I told myself that if I could do that, you know, try to read it as much as possible, and with my higher power, maybe I could get a better image of myself and start loving myself more. [00:19:28] Speaker G: I've only been to two meetings, actually one and a half because I Was late. My name is Margaret. I'm from Syracuse, New York. I guess I'm an overeater, but I don't know. [00:19:43] Speaker J: I was gonna turn around and go [00:19:45] Speaker G: back and say, I'm not doing no point. No one's gonna understand. And then I heard some of your stories. I thought, yeah, that's me. I was overweight as a child. Everybody would let me know that I had a hard childhood. My mom died when I was young. I had a lot of death. A lot of my family died by the time I was 30. And I lost weight in seventh grade, and I felt good about myself. And then I lost weight and I had my son. I got pregnant for my most beautiful blessing that the Lord has ever bestowed on me. But unfortunately, when he passed me, that's when an athlete's heart and his heart raced and he passed down. And I walked in and found him and I gained way. It got up to £400. And then I promote. I'm in a house cleaning business, but I promote music. I bring it into different areas and theaters and churches. And I had to go on stage, and I didn't realize how 400 pounds looked until they would send me pictures. [00:20:49] Speaker C: And I thought, are you kidding me? [00:20:51] Speaker G: And I started to lose weight. I had a veteran that moved in with me. My son and I, family friend, lived with us for 31 years, lived with Matt for 10. Matt passed away at 20. And he helped me along with God. Not through the death of my son, but he helped me immensely. And then, gosh, he just died three years ago. [00:21:15] Speaker A: And I'm all alone. [00:21:16] Speaker G: I have a ton of friends, especially when I have concerts. Everybody's my best friend. But I just. I know that this will probably help me because my body image is terrible. I tell everybody every day what I ate, you know, what I ate today. [00:21:31] Speaker E: Like, who cares? [00:21:34] Speaker G: I'm really struggling, and I just want to get weight off, or if I don't get it off, I just want to accept me. I do accept me. I like who I am in Christ. I don't know if I can say [00:21:44] Speaker C: that, but I don't like my body. [00:21:46] Speaker G: I look in the mirror, I make sure I don't turn the fan on until after I shower and I flip it on because I don't, you know. [00:21:52] Speaker J: And when people say, oh, you look [00:21:54] Speaker C: like you lost weight from 400. [00:21:56] Speaker G: I did, but I just hope OA can, you know, by listening to you, I can tell that you feel some of you the same way I do. Grief is hard. I'll tell you I can justify my grief. I'll have six. I just hope that, you know, I don't even know how to do the [00:22:14] Speaker D: meetings or what it is. [00:22:15] Speaker G: I've done one and a half. [00:22:17] Speaker H: I think I'll like it. [00:22:18] Speaker K: Well, thank you. [00:22:24] Speaker F: Thank you so much. And I'm sorry I was late. This is a subject that's such a huge part of my disease for morphia. So mirror is not what had me that and see videos of myself. It's something that as I get older, it's not that it becomes less bothersome to me, but I get acceptance is more accepting. Menopause has done a huge number on me. Wow. Things are shifting and changing. And so in the mornings now when I wake up, I remember to be grateful that I can even get out of bed. That the arthritis pain in my joints is not as bad as it was yesterday. [00:23:19] Speaker D: Just that I have a body that [00:23:21] Speaker F: can move around and is strong and that I lift. Really important to me. And conversely, I'm going through a separation with my spouse 20 years and that I'm now at 54 thinking about going back out on the dating scene. And it's really unappealing on so many levels, but particularly because the idea of being intimate with someone and in the way that I feel about my body and how my body looks is just aunting. So I am so grateful for this program. I am so grateful. Thank you. I'm so grateful for the steps, schools, all of you. I would not have this life that I have now. And if I have to, I hope I won't have to struggle with this idea of body image my whole life. But at least if I can focus on. Focus on others and be doing service and be actually working the steps that puts the body image. Thank you. [00:24:32] Speaker G: Thank you. [00:24:33] Speaker E: My name is Karen. I'm a compulsory reader. Sorry I was late in coming in actually heading into the room and I think that all was probably more helpful [00:24:45] Speaker B: to me than it was. [00:24:46] Speaker E: Anyway, this subject is very near and dear to my heart. Probably about three years ago, I started attending a virtual meeting on Tuesday mornings that uses the Body Image, Relationships and Sexuality book. And each week we read from it and comment. Some weeks we actually write instead of having the same kind of lead. So we use the tools in different ways to approach the subject. That is really big one. It's a big one for me. And I have found this meeting to be so helpful. It helped me discipline myself to use that book because it's what we do. Left to my own, I probably get up as regularly Use the book. And we share from the heart. And it's women only. And so there's a certain comfort level, I think, in the show. Very personal, and some of it is very private. And some of it, for me, it's private, and I hurt myself with it. It's secret I keep, and it's not healthy for me to do that. So being encouraged to share and being shown from other people how they can share honestly and practice things that are so personal about our bodies, about what's happened to our bodies, about childhood sexual trauma, about recognizing same sex and giving ourselves permission to follow those feelings. All of that program has helped me, in this particular context, with this particular particular meeting, be more loving and accepting of myself around this tricky stuff that fortunately, I think we all carry. Thank you so much for sharing. [00:26:53] Speaker B: I'm Megan. [00:26:54] Speaker C: I live in Manhattan. [00:26:55] Speaker D: I'm a compulsive overeater and hate this subject. I have, you know, I look great. I lost 60 pounds. You. [00:27:08] Speaker E: You don't have an ounce of fat on you. [00:27:13] Speaker D: But I'm good with my weight. But because I lost weight when I was older, I do have, like, fluffiness between my legs, you know, and that wanting to think about going to bed with somebody. Fortunately, people are so boring, the guys are so boring that that hasn't come up. You know, if it looks like it's coming up, I start to get, what will he think of the inside of my thighs? That's what I think. Come to that. And so when I put on moisturizer after I shower, there was the I love you, you know, things and look [00:27:55] Speaker F: in the mirror and say, I love you. [00:27:56] Speaker G: I thought, oh. [00:27:57] Speaker L: And. [00:27:58] Speaker D: But I started to do it, and I started, you know, like, rub that part of my leg said has these pulpiness and loose skin. And I would say, I love you. And I thought, okay, that's a lie. And a lot of times I thought, okay, I'm gonna really overcome this hump. I'm really gonna get there. I believe it. And sometimes I was getting close, but then I really began to tell the truth. And I said, I love you. I love you. But I'd love you more if you weren't there, if this problem wasn't there. So I'm not exactly sure that's where I've come to that. That's a reality for me right now. Maybe I'll get back to I love you and really just think about that. I did want to say that it did take me 14 years to stop binge eating. 11 years in the program 11 years of hardcore binging, and it took me probably another 15 years to get up [00:28:55] Speaker F: a [00:28:57] Speaker D: food plan I could live with, which I have, have now. And I just found the program to be the most difficult thing I ever. And, yeah, I just appreciate everybody being here talking about this. [00:29:10] Speaker J: I am Jan, a compulsive overeater, and [00:29:13] Speaker C: can't even believe I'm. [00:29:15] Speaker J: Yeah, I was an overweight kid my whole life. My father's nicknames for me were blubbergut and Bundle. [00:29:22] Speaker E: Guys. [00:29:22] Speaker J: My sister was a little princess. [00:29:25] Speaker A: She was very skinny. [00:29:26] Speaker J: I was not right. So. So from a very young age, I really felt fat meant not so good, and it meant good. She was smarter than I was. So I definitely grew up with the idea that I had to get thin. [00:29:46] Speaker B: Compulsive overeater. [00:29:48] Speaker J: I couldn't do it. I went to all those pain ways and, you know, the zigzag up and down. I got down to a decent weight. I got married and then had kids and ballooned up and then went back down and oh, my goodness, enough. But for the last 20 years, maybe I said, you know, take after your grandmother. And she was this huge woman. There's no hope for me. So I just kept feeling terrible about myself. I could never have stood up here in front of her, right? But then she joined in OA and I was in my 60s when I joined OA. I have been able to begin to sell. Body image isn't there yet. I've definitely lost a whole lot of weight. And, you know, people come up and say, oh, you're so thin. And look at these arms. [00:30:37] Speaker C: I'm not thin. [00:30:38] Speaker J: These legs, you know, but doing that. When people compliment me, I just say thank you. Because most have known me to be over £250. And so anyway, I'm all over the place. But body image, what it's done for me, all the program has done for me is to like the inside of me. And someone said, accept where I am right now. Right. What my body is like now. I left New Hampshire Day, and I have driven all over this beautiful state. You know, what was it? Oh, my goodness. Prospect Mountain over at Lake George. Went down to the, you know, Saratoga Springs. Oh, I don't know, a couple of [00:31:29] Speaker E: different of your state parks. [00:31:31] Speaker J: I mean, absolutely, I could not have done that before. I'm definitely on one of those waterfalls. I was huffing and puffing coming back rocks. But let me tell you, I couldn't have done it. That's what I'm trying to look at. What can I do the positives of me right now, I just love this program. And for new people, I say just keep coming because it's more than that crazy image I had of myself and into my adulthood. Just so much more. I'm reading that book with my sponsor, but thank you so much for a composable reader piece. [00:32:12] Speaker L: First of all, I want you for the courage to talk about in between our problem and [00:32:21] Speaker C: it would be healing [00:32:24] Speaker L: for me to just say some things out loud. [00:32:28] Speaker C: First of all, all these people I [00:32:30] Speaker L: hear in this program saying, well, then I got married and had children. How the hell did you do that? How did you pull that off? You know, I had. I weighed two to three times what I should have from the moment I was born and just felt so. I wasn't going to take my clothes off in front of anybody. And I wanted that kind of connection so badly. I wanted it so badly. [00:32:57] Speaker H: But no. [00:32:58] Speaker L: And I was. I never saw my parents touch each other, hated each other. And that was the model that I grew up with. Stoney silence. They didn't fight, they just didn't speak. And so from a very early age, I was completely scandal sexual. Boy asked me to sit with him on the bus. What? [00:33:21] Speaker G: No. [00:33:22] Speaker L: And I was the new kid in this school. I was about 12, like, all right, you meet. Go get whatever you can, you know. No, I was just like, no, I was here with you. I just didn't learn how to. How to do those things. I also came into the program in my 60s with zero sexual experience. I had one. Oh. And then as an adolescent, I went into the lesbian thing. And then it was like in the 60s, it was just like, don't say anything, don't say anything. You know, that constant. Don't let anything slip. Every minute is like, don't let anything slip because you'll be fire. Nobody will speak to you anymore. And so I lived with that. And when I was in my 20s, at one point there was a woman that I hung around with for a couple of years, but she didn't like me. I didn't like her either. So that didn't work long term. And I came into the program in my 60s. I lost £118 and a half or so. And one night I was just so angry about the whole thing, you know, me taking off 118 pounds. It was still plenty, plenty left. And I was so pissed off, I just put up a dating profile. I just did it. And I met a woman who, believe it or not, thinks I'm beautiful. Not only beautiful, but cute. And every time she says that I just go all right, each his own. [00:34:55] Speaker D: Like if this is what turns you [00:34:56] Speaker L: on, I'll take it. [00:34:58] Speaker B: So. [00:34:58] Speaker L: And you know I got it. I hate it. And more Recently I've regained 30 of those pounds and that is really, really hard getting dressed and looking down at my thighs and I can't go back there so [00:35:16] Speaker A: there's so much fun. [00:35:19] Speaker B: Did really well, didn't I Noelle? [00:35:23] Speaker A: I'm not going to share anymore but we're almost there. Anyway, topic for me asked me how my day was and I did a bottle. Anyway, all worked out great, right? And it was probably, it was so [00:35:40] Speaker B: funny because I just I had the book for ages. [00:35:42] Speaker K: Okay, well, clearly my higher power wants [00:35:43] Speaker A: me to do this and it really was helpful. [00:35:46] Speaker C: It hurt but it was helpful there anywhere I cannot change Bridge to change the things I.