2025 LGBTQ Special Focus

[00:00:00] Speaker A: To accept, to change the things and the wisdom to know the difference. Some people say that we should say the Trinity prayer the other way to act. So the topic of this workshop is [00:00:11] Speaker B: the specific focus for lgbtq. [00:00:15] Speaker A: All the other letters that come at the end of it. If they say we're 10% of the population and have them come in here. And then we'll have. My name is Noel and I'm a compulsive overeater. And I thanks. And I have about 20 minutes to speak and then we'll open the room for shares on the topic for up to three minutes. Let me go ahead and start talking then. As I said, my name is Noelle. I'm a compulsive overeater. Let me tell you just a little bit about my physical recovery. First, on October 8th, I have a year of abstinence. I am one of those people that have come in and out of the room, right? My very first abstinence was way back in 2003. I lost 114 pounds. My top weight was 2 pounds. Right now I weigh 206. I like putting those numbers out there because people, this is a program of physical recovery as well. I'm still working towards a healthy body weight. I'm absent. My abstinence is three meals a day and one or two planned snacks. So people sometimes are like snacks. And it's like, well, it's just I have to eat. And so that's how I do it. And I don't eat any sweet cakey thing. So anything that has that magic combination of flour and sugar and oil, I avoid. This is a specific interest group. I realized as I was thinking about it that one of the things that I want to talk about really is my spiritual path. Because this is a three pronged program. Physical, emotional and spiritual recovery. So let's talk about physical recovery. First, little bit of emotional and then I'll get to the spiritual. So I've been fat my whole life, right? My kindergarten picture. I'm not fat, but I was the tallest kid in the class first grade on. I was just always the fattest kid. I grew up in the 70s. My mom was very body conscious. Never gonna get a boyfriend like him unless you lose weight, right? Walking falls like, oh, I wish you could wear those kinds of clothes, Noel. Right? So my mom also called me Large, called me Moose. All of these things sound really awful. The thing is, I haven't excellent relationship with my mother today. Somehow, like it's worked out. One thing I want to say for my mother, she's not in a 12 step program. But I say, mom, I don't want to talk about something anymore. Do you know what? [00:02:35] Speaker B: She bring it up, like feel blessed [00:02:38] Speaker A: in the mom department. So. But that's what I grew up with. You're never going to have a boyfriend. And. And I believed that. I totally believed that. So that led to a lot of resentment, right? And also fear. Like, why were my friends dating? And I wasn't like, you know, why did society like not allow fat girls to date? But it was also a little bit of a fear. So during my teens, I didn't really date. During my 20s, I dated men. And even when I was feeling like I looked good, I would be out in a bar and someone would be talking to me and, and I would say, well, it's okay if you have to go now. Right? Like someone was actually interested in me and I thought that they were just doing me a favor. I don't know what it was. So I had a lot of resentment about society's expectations and I had a lot of fear that I was going to be alone because I didn't really want to be alone. And in my early 30s, I was about 32, I realized, okay, I'm going to be alone. I need to start living my life as if I'm going to be single. And that wasn't, it wasn't coming from a position of weakness, it was coming from a position of strength. I am no longer going to wait to do the things I want to do till I have my partner. I never wanted children, so there was no time. Clock ticking. One year I made a New Year's resolution that I was going to sleep with a woman and see how that worked. And the person that I met at a book group ended up being the person that I married last week of being married. She would be here right now. She's another fellow, but she's giving a shop in another room. So yes, we're in the program together. And so I want to talk about that a little bit. So let's talk about. So I talked a little bit about the physical when we first met, it was at a book group. And she looked around the room and she saw who she thought was the cutest person there and it was me. I don't believe that story. She has told that story over and over again. And then she said, well, what I really liked was the way your little thighs hung over the side of the chair, right? So I was mortified because I really thought that nobody would ever find me that she actually had some physical utterance of me, the way that I looked. I was mad because that was. She was a chubby chaser then, like that. So I had to sort of get over that. So fast forward, during the first two years of our relationship, she gained about pounds and I gained about 7 pounds. When we got married, I weighed 277 pounds. It was my top weight. So I had sort of gotten over the resentment of not being able to find a burnt out, like, you know, that was good. I still don't identify as lesbian. I identify as queer. So, you know, like, I'm still sexually attracted to people of both genders or of all genders. We want to say that, but I am in a committed relationship right now with one person. Let's talk about the spiritual part of it a little bit. I spent my whole life trying to find a spiritual path. So even when I was in elementary school, I was raised Catholic. I got confirmed at grade 8, and strangely enough, I was one of the few people that wanted to then go to the youth group had been required. I mean, required. So even then, right? Like, I was still looking. And in high school, I explored fundamentalist Christian groups. What I loved about that is that they put the words up. This is the 80s. They put the words up on the song and I could sing. I have an awful voice. So it was one of the very few places that I could actually sing and it would be okay. So early on, I think my higher power was reaching out to me through music. And so as the years went by, I tried different groups, special, different spiritual organizations, like after university. And at some point in my late 20s, I finally decided that I was. I could not. Don't worry, I'm going to come back to the LGBTQ thing. Because all I could imagine was a higher power, the God that I had grown up with, even though I didn't want that higher power. So over the years, I had been very attracted to Judaism, and lots of my friends were Jewish. I liked the community, right? But I was really irritated because I couldn't convert because I. So the other thing that was happening was that once I got into OA and I started developing some sort of relationship with my higher power, my higher power, I call it God. He, She. I don't know what it is, right? Like, it's a sort of wind, right? Or air. Like, I sort of think that my philosophy is that there's all these different religions in the world because Find different ways to approach God. So I really believe that when I'm inhaling and exhaling like I'm getting my higher power and that somebody on the other side of the world can be inhaling and exhaling the same air as me. The really sort of nebulous higher power that I have. But I was afraid to call it God for two different reasons. I was afraid, right, Because I had sort of some. Yes. That if my Christian friends would always been quite tolerant, actually, I guess as someone who was searching for a relationship with a higher power, I was quite tolerant and quite. I admired people who had found a relationship with a higher power that worked with me. I was afraid that my Christian friends were going to say, like, you don't believe in God, you're a lesbian, you know, you're going to go to hell. So I sort of had a problem calling my higher power a higher power. So one of the ways that I came out. So as I was about 33, my partner was very involved in her synagogue, and it was a gay and lesbian synagogue. And for those of you who wish, like, in la, there wasn't just one gay and lesbian synagogue, there were two. Always the synagogue you go to and the one you don't step. But that's how big the population was in la. And so it turned out that the space where I felt most comfortable being holding hands with my partner was in [00:09:22] Speaker B: a religious space, right? [00:09:25] Speaker A: That actually is where people sat with their arms around their partners. That was where they held hands, people kissed, you know, they went up on the bema. So I ended up, like, accessing my higher power as a result of getting involved with this particular synagogue. As time went by, I was still sort of feeling resentful. So, like, I was. Oh, did you notice the theme of resentment? But that I couldn't just. I couldn't just convert me a while to realize that I did believe in God, right? And in Los Angeles, where I started. So, yes, I did start an OA in Los Angeles in 2003. It was such a diverse group. You look at these that are in this room. Body Image, bariatric, bipoc, LGBTQ men, anorexia, bulimia, Right? Young people. All of those people there were groups, but also the groups were pretty integrated, right? And so I ended up realizing that everybody. Well, not everybody, a lot of people called it God, Right. That everyone had their own God. So my God was good enough, right? So I decided to convert to Judaism, right? And so I did, because I realized I did believe in God. Time goes by, I'm participating in the community, you know, in OA in la and Sort of realize that my higher power, like what my partner and I together in order to bring us into oa. And in Los Angeles, there were, I was in the San Fernando Valley, actually. But there were lots of couples, right? Like straight couples, same sex couples, or people who had another, you know, people would say the compulsory overeater that I live with, you know, for anonymity. But most of us knew who was who. I started thinking, like, wow, maybe that was the work of my higher power, bringing me to someone who would take me to a spiritual community who would allow me to find a higher power, who would then bring me into the program that saved my life. And so when I was asked to speak on this, there's a lot of things that I could talk about. The thing, when I asked my higher power, the thing that really came to me was that spiritual, the spirit, I think a lot of us, perhaps I can only speak for myself. So I, and I know other people have grown up in communities perhaps where their religious tradition wasn't accepted, people with different sexualities or different attractions that we acknowledge that in oa, right? It is the power, it is the higher power of our own understanding. And so it was the. So I explained that little path. And so then being in oa, I could then start saying when I signed cards at work, you're in my prayers. Because I never wanted to be one of those people because, like, oh, they were going to think I was whatever, right? And then I realized, like, most people that pray don't really care who you're praying to. They just are grateful to be getting some sort of support. And so I don't know that I actually have a lot more to say except that my search for a spiritual approach to life inadvertently brought me with my partner. So again, this belief that like, my higher power had some plan, that's actually what I was going to say. Sorry about that. Is that like my higher power had some plan that I didn't know about even when I wasn't, you know that phrase, like, you know, the footprints in the sand, I was carrying you, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I like make fun of that, but it's true, right? Like, you know, something is carrying me when it's the single footprints in the sand. And I think it was my higher power. So I guess, like, I just want to thank my higher power for bringing me to a person who would be able to share my commitment to a spiritual life, but also bringing me to another person that shares the same vocabulary that I do. So, you know, some days we only Talk. In some days we only talk in slogans, you know, to each other. And other days, like, I'll be saying something and she'll be like, I know it's something I've been talking about for weeks. And she says sometimes to me she doesn't want to hear about it anymore. So again, I think that that's all I have to say. So I'm going to go ahead and wrap up now and say thank you. And what we are also doing in the workshops that just have one leader, we want to give time for other people to share, but we also want to offer sort of like a 5 or 10 minute question and answer period. So this is sort of like the ask it basket, but in real life. So does anyone have any questions. [00:14:46] Speaker B: Judging each other? [00:14:48] Speaker A: So yes, yes. So the question was, what is it like being in a relationship with someone who's also like, they're watching your food or checking your program? And so, yes, that happens. But at this point in the 20 other, like 23 of those years have been in program. And so we've figured a lot of things out. I think we've done a pretty good job of staying out of each other's food. And the first step is honesty. [00:15:20] Speaker C: Right? [00:15:20] Speaker A: And so I sort of feel like if I am eating something in front of her, I am not secret eating, right? And so secret eating is actually a big part. I didn't say that in my abstinence, but like Berkeley, like I've kept hidden what I ate. And so that's actually an advantage because I feel like I have to keep it clean if I did eat something that day. Right. Like I can tell her, right? Like, oh, I ate my snack at one instead. Whatever. And so far as the program goes, like, we both have our own sponsor. She often tells me to mind my own business. So I guess I would like to think that I'm irritating one than she is. Yeah. All right, so now this workshop will end at 11, at 12. Is that right? For the rest of the time, we'll hear three minute pitches from the floor. The timer, Claire. No. Oh. We'll signal when you have one minute left. Thank you. I know you signed up for a big job. You thought it was just so. If you would like to share, please form a line at the front of the room. We remind you that this session is being recorded and your sharing demonstrates your consent to be recorded. Wish to remain anonymous, please use a fictitious name or choose not to share. Say where you are from, how long you've been in oa, but Devote your share to your OA experience, strength and hope on the topic of this workshop, which is a specific focus for LGBTQ or queer individuals. In a moment, the meeting will be up for sharing. So there might be some periods of silence, right? That's okay, right? So just think about what you want to share, right? And now's your time to encourage you to come up and share. [00:17:08] Speaker B: Hi, I'm Susan. I'm a compulsible reader from Ottawa, Canada. I came out two years ago. [00:17:19] Speaker A: I'd been married to a man for [00:17:20] Speaker B: 32 years, had this mental breakdown to [00:17:25] Speaker A: adjust my mental health, medication, and all of a sudden, it was just completely clear to me that I was in the wrong kind of sex relationship. The side effects of this to me has been much better connection, my higher power, and the ability to make healthy food choices that I just haven't been able to make in the two decades that I've been in oa. [00:17:50] Speaker B: And that is amazing. [00:17:51] Speaker A: Amazing gift. [00:17:52] Speaker B: I am so, so grateful. [00:17:54] Speaker A: Recently, it used to be everybody who's [00:17:56] Speaker B: seeing me this weekend, oh, I love your haircut. And I'm like, hadn't got to this [00:18:02] Speaker A: point where I'm actually being true to who I really am, then it wouldn't have cut it. Like, it wouldn't have been good enough for people to go, oh, you look great. Look great. Because I feel. Love my haircut, because I feel good, [00:18:19] Speaker B: because I've had short hair before but [00:18:22] Speaker A: didn't ever feel good. [00:18:23] Speaker B: In fact, I had a hairdresser when [00:18:25] Speaker A: I was in my 20s, used to [00:18:27] Speaker B: cut my hair short because dad was short hair. [00:18:29] Speaker A: And I remembered that right. And so for the majority of my life, I have had long hair. [00:18:36] Speaker B: But I'm so grateful to this program because without my higher power working through this program, working through people, I would [00:18:45] Speaker A: not be where I am. [00:18:47] Speaker B: I would not feel this comfortable in mom and love people and myself the way that I do, especially my children. [00:18:59] Speaker A: Relationships with my children have improved. [00:19:01] Speaker B: Although, shockingly, they were 8 and 32 when I ended my marriage. [00:19:12] Speaker A: And shockingly, they were really upset about it. I did not expect that at all. They weren't upset about the fact that I came out as gay. They were upset that I ended my marriage. [00:19:21] Speaker B: And I'm like, you know, I wanted [00:19:23] Speaker A: to do this a decade or two ago, but I didn't want to do that to my children because I'm a child of divorce. So I kind of was like going, oh, this is going to be. It wasn't easy, but things are much better now. [00:19:36] Speaker B: So thank you, Compulsive overeater. I live in the Northeast kingdom of the Vermont and I've been in the [00:19:48] Speaker D: program for about 37 years. [00:19:51] Speaker B: This focus is very much a part [00:19:56] Speaker A: of my early recovery story. [00:19:58] Speaker B: Just new that I had same sex attraction. [00:20:06] Speaker D: I was young and I was filled [00:20:09] Speaker B: and self hatred over it and it was a secret anyone to know and I I felt like my body was my enemy and I hurt my body through this disease. Binged and purged and binged and purged. I thought no one will know this is my private secret. Would feel some degree of comfort or relief or [00:20:41] Speaker A: through that process. [00:20:45] Speaker B: For me it was all about this and the fact that I could not share my with anyone until it got so bad. But I felt like I was going to die. That's where I think some sort of spiritual something happened for me and I was somehow carried of being able to tell somebody and they were able to steer me. That ended up saving me. But it got me here. Recovery for me has been about coming with the truth. It started there and it started around this issue started there. But I've had to continue that all these years telling the truth, being afraid to tell the truth, battling with that and then eventually coming to a point where I share and get the support, love and the guidance through 12 steps, sponsorship, through meetings, LGBTQ meetings. I'm just glad to be here with all of you who understand what I'm [00:22:10] Speaker A: talking about and have been there for [00:22:12] Speaker B: me for all this time and I I'm grateful. Thank you for sharing Noel and thank [00:22:18] Speaker A: you all for showing up. [00:22:22] Speaker E: Morning everyone. I am a compulsive eater. My name is Bruce, I am from Ottawa, Ontario and I've been in OA for 25. I actually want to take the minutes that I have on a different focus. How many here have heard of OA Rainbow? It is a specific focus service board in a way and the service board is there to support LGBTQ meetings as well as individual members. It is a fairly new service board and I was elected the chair of this board in July of last year in a rather precarious situation. There were several letters and emails written by other oa, both service board and individual saying that there no business having this type of service board. And to the point where the board of trustees stepped in and wrote a letter saying this service board is not only welcomed but needed. They had our full support, had a meeting, kind of saying like where do we go from here? Like they were ready to disband, put the word out and a lot of people came and said no, we need this. We want to keep this going. It's always about we need people to do things. The biggest question I get is trying to find queer sponsors, which, hey, that's something we could do so we can get make a sponsor that we need to have a privacy policy. Not sure how to do a privacy policy, but here does and we'd love to hear from you. There are several other committees. Like, we need someone to go through all our documents and read like our mission statement. Does this make sense? Secretary. We had a secretary voted in and for health reasons, she had to resign. We need people to help out with our website. On our website, we have a list of all the LGBTQ meetings in the OA Fellowship. And what's kind of cool about it is that it's on a Google sheet. So if you have a Google account and click on it, it'll save it on your own calendar and boom, this pops up when it's time for the meeting and I can just click on it and go to the Zoom meeting. Of course, there are some that are in person and we have those as well. We also need Tradition seven funds like Intergroups. We do not have affiliated meetings. We just have members and ask me any questions about it. The website is oarainbow.org and you have to check it out for yourself. Thanks. [00:25:16] Speaker B: Hi. But I'm going to go by Joy. So I'll identify as a grateful, recovering, compulsive overeater. I'm happy to tell you my name. I just don't necessarily want. I see this podium here and from that side, to me, it just looks like this invitation to me, it looks like something I might see in a church or on a Bhima synagogue. And it feels like an invitation to my higher power about my spirituality and my journey as a queer person recovering from compulsive. Anything will come across that is refused to end. I always make that prayer, you know, having. But I'm very interested in affliction of my compulsive overeating during stretches of my life was a binge purge kind of situation. So much about that has so much to do with the journey of my recovery. With respect, it has so much to do with the journey that has to do with belonging and spiritual community has to do with belonging. Queer has to do with belonging. So I've had some work to do, some obstacles. So I feel like I've had into OA in 2000 and I've had the blessing of foundational abstinence since that time. Over time, more and more freedom the longer that I've lived in the 12 steps making conscious contact with my higher power. It's like a deeply personal journey Some of the communities that I've sought shin and God more deeply or not welcoming of my so it's been fraught but God is good I find and is always working in my life and keeps me absent in the day to time. I'm sure I'm connected to a power greater than me that's full of love and yet my heart hurts world I'm not always welcome or I don't feel welcome. Mmm we're still working that out me and my higher power, you know so I'm just grateful this forum where I could power and be recorded all at once. How about that? Is there anything else I want to say so identity connection Much of what my higher power does for me is taking out of that sense of oh I didn't even see this well thank [00:27:42] Speaker D: you very much [00:27:47] Speaker B: compulsive overeater I am not of the LGBT however my daughter is and I've come to this meeting [00:27:57] Speaker A: several times [00:28:00] Speaker B: need more help and understanding more accepted I've is my granddaughter granddaughter is the joy in my healthier relationship. My daughter in law is actually her biological mom. You know his statistics that was very smart very tall they wanted someone tall did well in the world why I wanted to get up and share today I over the last 32 years my body it's grown a lot given we're going around the room we were most thankful for by whom in the room she comes to me and this is what he knows. Annie, you know what I'm most grateful for you encouraged me to exercise and eat healthy A gift that is wouldn't be because of me. It was because of the thing I have to mention in a competition for high school she goes to Milton very prestigious high school they take wonderful care of her. [00:29:07] Speaker A: My daughter and daughter in law are so proud of them because they got [00:29:09] Speaker B: this granddaughter speech and debate team at [00:29:12] Speaker A: her first year in the high school [00:29:14] Speaker B: she could pick her came in first place her scores were 95 to 98 and what was her topic from was Barack Obama's speech when the Supreme Court passed marriage equality law that was her speech. LGBTQ buzz with passion could do this speech because she's living this speech how proud I was when she started. [00:29:47] Speaker A: I had chills when she ended. [00:29:49] Speaker B: I cut a gift gave me that gift and allowed me to be an observer and believe me she couldn't have picked any better parent better thanks I'm [00:30:03] Speaker D: Freyleen and faithful member of OA, identify as lesbian. Came out in the mid-70s and that was just by chance. Fell in love with someone, a co worker. And since then I've had a few relationships and I'm glad that I am who I am today. I've been. Before I came into oa, I was [00:30:44] Speaker B: basically [00:30:47] Speaker D: out in my life. I was determined I would have jobs where I could be out to my co workers and be accepted and where I could be out to the administration and be accepted. And I was able to do that. I was very fortunate. I was able to do that. And I am very fortunate to have a wife today who is also in a 12 step program, not OA, but a 12 step program that she's been very devoted to and she's been a great example to me what it means to do service and what it means to live the 12 steps. I'm very, very grateful for that. When I came into OA, I had been in a different 12 step program and I felt very afraid of being judged in a way. I didn't come out for quite some time because I was afraid and I couldn't understand it because I was out to my family, I was out at [00:32:03] Speaker B: work [00:32:06] Speaker D: and one day I just decided, well, I have to do this, I have to come out. So I was at a meeting and I said, I've been afraid of this, but I wanted you all to know this. And I said, I'm lesbian and I'm in a long term relationship. [00:32:26] Speaker B: And it was like the most wonderful [00:32:30] Speaker D: spiritual experience of who came up and spoke to me after that. And the first person was a, a man who had many years I was friendly with. He was covered with tattoos and he said, you know, I know what it means to be different because people see men tattoos and they're afraid of me. And others came up to me and said, oh, my daughter is gay, my son is gay, my best friend is gay. And the whole world changed just by stating that I didn't want to be afraid anymore. And my higher power helped me say, now's the night, do it now. And I'm very grateful for that. [00:33:17] Speaker A: Thank you. [00:33:23] Speaker C: Hi, I'm Laz and I'm from Cape Cod, Massachusetts and I've been in program for five years. I love having my partner in program. She hates awkward silences, so I'm here to fill that void for her. I think it's really, really nice to have someone else who can understand what it's like to be in program and to have that same terminology. And I Think a little bit harder. Before we kind of knew, she kind of understood I was in OA because it was harder for me to be like, you can't have these foods in the house because. Because explaining certain things like that was harder. And then once I entered an oa, she was like, wow, this is like, me too. And that was really nice. And it was easier for us to communicate about different things that were causing us issues. And it was just really nice to have that and share that with someone. I'm really excited because we're going to be getting married in a few years and planning that wedding with someone who can understand my program. And that commitment just means so much more. Having her be a support in all of this has just been so much more helpful. Obviously, we have our own program, own sponsors, but then when we're able, I feel like we're always setting new goals with each other and we're able to communicate about those goals or, like, different boundaries we might want to set. Whereas, like, I feel like before we talked about program, it was harder to communicate about different goals. I wanted to set like that because I feel like I might be absent in working my program to the. To the extent I feel like I can. But there's always new goals and things that I can be learning and working on, and I love that I can include her in all of that. I feel, like, really privileged to be in a community where being LGBT doesn't really affect the me and affect my participation in program or my community. I can bring her to my meetings or I can bring her here. And I would never question feeling comfortable saying that I'm gay and that I'm marrying her, but I definitely live in [00:35:47] Speaker A: a privileged community where I can do [00:35:49] Speaker C: that, and I appreciate having that in my OA community and where I live, and I love having her here. So thank you. [00:36:01] Speaker A: What was your question? [00:36:02] Speaker B: Did you. [00:36:02] Speaker A: Did you want to ask? Yes. I mean, I think it really is challenging. Right. And I mean, I liked that, that, like, people have really been focusing on the honesty part of it. Like, that step number one is, like, the foundation of our program, and that's. And so not just honesty about honesty in every part of our life. And so I think that that's. Yes, it's very challenging, and it's also a little complicated because for some of us, that might have been reason that we were compulsively overeating, isolate or to hide. Come on up. I mean, I don't have the answer to that question, but I think it's a really interesting question and you know, like another 12. I mean I had open AA meetings and they're always prettier. Like you need to sponsor somebody if the. And we don't. Not that I know of. We don't talk about that in oa. I mean people recognize that not sexually attracted to everyone. So I don't know. I mean it's an interesting. It's an interesting question. Maybe you'll have an answer or Service board. Will you have a question or comment? I think I'm going to go ahead and wrap this up. It's early in the primary meeting that I go to. We have bowls at each. Even if it's silent, we're going to hold it. What I want to say is you might have missed this beautiful coffee cup that I'm using. So you're going to have a few minutes to your tickets before lunch. Again, I want to thank people. I just sort of really appreciated the focus on staff, the honesty with our food, the honesty with ourselves and sort of that whole relationship. I also want to thank you about rainbow.org what is it called? Oarainbow. I think that. I mean it's. It's actually. I've heard of it but hadn't exploded. [00:38:01] Speaker B: What I would is a workshop. [00:38:04] Speaker A: We'll close with the Serenity Bond.